The Next Best Thing....

other than talking to myself in the mirror is to probably post a blog post about conversations within my head. Puhahaha.

Anyways, and glimpse of my current thoughts and what have yous:

1) OH NOESSS!!! Work is starting to consume my social and personal time. I no talk to friends anymore, and conversations are largely (95%) confined to discussing certain protocols and mechanism behind pathways. Even in the evenings when I'm technically "online" to chit chat, I end up forgetting about conversations because I get sidetracked and start reading papers (I wasn't even this studious in school..dunno wtf is going on with me).... i.e. Sooooo sorry Pugster! I will call you sometime....I swear! Well....if you still want to hang out or have time I guess. Oh, and J, I will eventually go to your Japanese archery studio with you and drink tea.....I Promise.

2) Dance. Freaking DANCE gives me a sore back, sore arms, sore legs....sore everything--effing jumps and twists thingys. In some ways, I wish dance was a little bit like science and fencing--more anaylitical and limited to one side of the body only. This way, by just thinking, and relying on one side of the body one will do wonderfuly---WHY does it have to be feelings and both sides of the body? AHHHHH, damn body coordination.

3) Nobody should ever wield a weapon in anger. NEVER. Grr...I hate it when I hear sad stories.

4) The mom of the octupulets is a nut case (food stamps don't equal welfare???? WTF); she should be mentally evaluated, and the doctor who did the IVF should lose his license. Poor kids.

5) I want rainboots. This weather is making me regret my decision to be stingy...er I meant frugal. But I'm pretty sure, once I buy em, it'll stop raining for good. Oh the dilemma.

6) .....I need to dry my hair and go to bed.....

7) G'night!

8) Oh....and I saw a really CUTE fencer today with his gf ( I assumed). Dude....how come I never got to meet any when I fenced? He offered to give me a dollar for the parking permit in the parking lot. So nice.

9) Okay....really g'night now. Ja neh!

Social obligations

I have to preface this post, by stating that I love my friend--he is the kindest, and most gentle soul I have ever met and have the privilage to know since middle school. If this boy was ever in need of anything, I would do it in a heart beat. That said, there is one thing that would take tons and tons of convincing and bribing on his part for me to do again--eating dinner with his parents.

Last night I was at his place having him fix Hitomi for me, in which took hours...(omg, I will never want to reformat my laptop EVER again), and his parents INSISTED that I stay for dinner, being a good, polite girl that I am, I stayed even though my house is like 5 minutes away. Dinner, the food was lovely, until we got to the lets have awkward dinner conversations part. An excerpt:

Friend's Mom:
"So have any of your classmates gotten married yet?"

Friend and I:
"......." (look at each other)

Friend's Mom:
"Well?"

Me:
"I think so, I've heard about one or two, but I was never close to them"

Friend:
"Oh yea, X already has a kid now I think..."

Me:
"Yea, wow, that is crazy" (wanting to kick him under the table to change topic, but no luck since the dinner table was glass)

Friend's Mom:
"OMGoodness, you guys are so grown up now...." (looks at my friend and I with a VERY big smile)

Me:
(Forced, polite grin whilst dying inside)

And the rest of the dinner was pretty much variations on such conversations, which I think take on the hint not so subtly "are you guys together?"

I think I no longer feel guilty about having said friend spend 5 hours working Hitomi. If I ever do, I definitely need a reminder.

*GFriend, if you ever read this, I still love you! Just that your parents are a little intense....or a little bit too well intentioned...thats all!

Sister love

When I hang out with sister, usually I get the last word of our so called "bickering arguments"...but today.....

Me:
"You so bad your momma don't wantcha no more"

Sister:
"Yea, so she gave me to you."

Me:
"...." (dammit)

Life in the midst of chaos

"Our duty is to understand people out, but has no right to ask to be understood. We’re healer, we’re no god, we only have to do what we can do and we must do. Not what others want us to do."-Dextro

Though I am no doctor (in which this sentence was referring to), I think scientists also fall under this category in a sense. We only can ask of ourselves to be better, to be more compassionate, and to be more sympathetic in our line of work, but we can never ask others to do the same. To the people that don't understand, or don't have the capacity to understand--we have no right to ask them to understand...its either they do or don't. I made a mistake last night. I lashed out in anger (well online only...and they wouldn't know anyways) in response to some one who I thought would understand, and instead of acceptance, I was burned. The verdict of another mutual friend,was that I was being sensitive, and she was well being ...her. So plain and simple....but somehow the diagnosis is slightly hard to swallow. As for the treatment, well the treatment will be simply to do nothing.

I have been forgetting to eat lately. This use to be something strange and foreign concept to me, but now I am just simply surprised at how easy it is to do. A meal there, a meal here...it isn't the fact that I don't want to eat, I just simply don't remember to anymore. For me to eat on time would be when I am not thinking about other things, or someone asks "hey, wanna have lunch/dinner?" I guess I really am that busy as much as I don't want to admit it. Now, hopefully this will have some side benefits...*cough*weightloss*cough*...ahem...

Anyways, as for another update on chb, oye vey, I don't even know where the heck to start with him. The other day at work, he was cleaning up something squatting down in the middle of the hall, I just happened to opened door to the hall way in which his rear was pointing and got a full view of a half moon--not exactly what I wanted to see. Now that image of him is forever imprinted on my mind everytime I see him and I will never be able to take him seriously ever again. So ends my month(s) long crush on chb.

Oh speaking of work, I recently met another girl in the lab next door; she is also an SRA and we have the strangest yet interesting conversations. Me thinks this might be a cool friendship in the making. Hurrah! I love unexpectedness <3 Occasionally I think my life is going too fast for me to appreciate all the small things insides, but maybe as long as I am willing to stop once in a while, reflect and remind myself how lucky I am, maybe I will be alright.

Something else to keep in mind:

Gan bah dei oh!

Hollywood

After living in California for 10 years and living within 2 hours away from LA, I finally know what Hollywood blvd. looks like. Hurrah for Hollywood!

*hmm...me friend has a sexy leg.....

Sick and Thoughts

Though I have been sick as a dog* for the past few days, I was able to catch up with some current events and be enamored by Doctor Who amidst all the hacking coughs and inability to speak....oh yea and I rested up and stayed in bed all day whilst doing so. Not doing too bad, everything considered. So thanks to those people who called/txted/IMed get better soons to me, I was genuinely touched. :)

During this mini-vacation, I came to a realization about myself--I hate it when I am forced to take a day off against my will. The first visceral reaction from me is "WAH? The world simply cannot revolve without me! I don't want to miss out!" Self centered? Maybe, but I can't help but feel this way...or MAYBE I just like to be needed or want to be needed...eh small difference.

Anyways, probably should be going to bed and get ready for another long day tomorrow. Oh, and I shall leave with a quote for thought:

"When changes become too constant, sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us."-Anon.

*who the hell comes up with these expressions? Poor little puppies looking sick.

What does country music and adrenaline rushes have in common?

So since I can't yap my head off to anyone who is willing to listen due to my lack of voice (or deep baritone...which ever you think is more sexy), I think I will sort out my thoughts here. I have been playing Toby Keith's song "God Love Her" on endless repeat in the past 3 days for no other reason than the fact it got stuck in my head since it came on the radio way too many times. I guess in some ways this song was just simply able to resonate with the part of me that I wish I was. For most of my life, I have always been goodie two shoes, always nice to everyone and basically staying in the lines when I'm coloring. I've never been not happy, but at the same time, I have always wondered what would it be like to be mean to someone and not care about the consequences, or even stepping over the line a little.

Experience a little bit of adrenaline rush so to speak--I can sadly only remember two distinctive incidents in which I had a crazy rush. The first one was during a fencing competition, one of the qualifying matches after the first couple of rounds(?) if I remember correctly...I was on the strip, it was 3 to 10, all I could hear was the pounding of my heart, cheers from my teammates, and faint directions from my coach. I was insanely focused at the task at hand, but at the same time felt erethrally light...if that made any sense. I lost the match 4 to 15, but was damn proud that I got a couple hits in...lemme tell you..that was no beginner's match despite the fact that it was SUPPOSE to be. But DAMN if I didn't feel like I was walking on clouds for the rest of the day after that match....the adrenaline definitely kicked in and lasted for a while. The second one was when I went kayak surfing with a friend; though the adrenaline was environmentally induced, the high was pretty much the same. Now at times when I have a break from work and life, I find myself wondering and wishing for a couple more bouts of those adrenaline rushes.

I was talking to Pugster the other day and he mentioned that I should just not wait anymore and just go back to fencing. I guess this is another thing that I have to work through with myself. I wait too much for the decisions that involve a little bit of risk and play. I can't just say YES to something before plunging into the water without checking the water temperature and reviews first--my immediate and first response will always be..er...maybe not. The only thing that he failed to remember was that fencing is muy muy expensivo at my current salary, I am not quite sure I will be able to afford to if I want to do the other things I would like to do in life. Hmmm maybe it is high time to find another side job to support this potential addiction.

But anyways, my point really is that I want to be both, I want to be nice and I want to be mean. I want to be impulsive but at the same time steady and reliable. I want to be calm, collected, and organized in my profession, but sarcastic, ditzy, and spontaneous for parts of my personal life. So easy to say, but slightly harder to be.

I guess I'm not making sense anymore... or if I ever did clarify the connection between Toby Keith and adrenaline rushes. Oh well, I've always been rubbish at writing essays. Anyways, g'night y'all.