New Soul

This song truly depicts everything that I feel in my currently life right now. So much to worry about and so many things to remember. But all in all, I'm okay even though I am dead tired. Hopefully my schedule will get better and I will start remembering to do all the duties that are required of me.

I do have to say...all this making up for the past four years that I had wasted on H. surely suck balls. I rest in the feeling knowing that everything step, every achievement I make is solely and completely in my credit (and vice versa..but stay positive right?)

Something really nice happened to me today, but I won't reveal it just yet until I have it in paper documents and am officially part of it. :D I wish I could be more proud of myself if I wasn't so damn tired--and maybe celebrate a little.


Currently Listening to:
"New Soul"
-Yael Naim

Perfect Evening

At the risk of jinxing this perfect evening, I will announce to the world that I finally have a moment of rest and peace. Though my moving is not completely done, I am glad to say that I finished most of the move (with the assistance of the parental units) and now I am comfortably sitting at my NEW desk (former dinning table) in my NEW room contemplating how life is treating me recently.

For dinner, I had guava juice with 1 slice of CPK pizza with a bit of chicken and was able to sit down to watch TV--this my friends, was simply heaven. To be able to eat at a time that is regular, to not have to think on a schedule term and what other duties I have to do afterwards was awesome.

It is quite a weird feeling. I have been constantly stressed to the limit recently and yet at this moment of peace and relaxation, I can only feel how grateful I am to be here and be able to do the things I am doing. My battle uphill is far from over...in fact it has only started. But for now, I will be grateful for this rest and make the best of it for soon I, like Sisyphus will have to face reality again and continue our job.

I guess faced with the daily stress that I have, it is really the simple pleasures that make my day.

Staying afloat

You know that feeling when one treads waters and you are just so tired that you want to stop but at the same time you know that if you stop you will start sinking. So for a split second, you paddle harder and take a bigger breath only to realize that you run out of energy and start to sink below.

This stressful feeling that I get from my work and current life (read: mcat prep) now is somehow slightly worse than finals, and somehow there is more at stake....funny enough.


Currently Listening to:
"If I Ever Leave this World Alive"
-Flagging Molly

Season of Moving

It seems like a lot of people are moving these days, and the fact that I soon too will be joining this moving activity next week. Hmmm lovely. With the shit load of work I have to do, I definitely don't want to do it...but it has to be done. *sigh*

I think over the course of these past two weeks, I have made a decision, but I'm not really to tell any/ everyone yet....or at least there is someone who deserves to know first. Wish me luck.

A taste of Pre-med

I like the MCAT prep class that I'm taking right now...it is intense but fun at the same time when I get questions right. But there is one thing that bothers me in that class--the people that compose of the class. These people are the most rude, conceited and head up in their own asses people I have ever met. No one says "thank you" when something is passed to them, NO one smiles and almost EVERY time during the breaks, they are fighting for the attention of the instructor and then yapping away at some dumb questions that the instructor already addressed to the class 10 minutes before break. And don't even mention during the time when we go over the practice passages that we work on during class...."oh! oh! why is it that answer? didn't you just say this? didn't you just say that?" MY GAWD. Kill me now.

I try to be nice and polite in the class, but am always suprised and hurt by the responses the people by me give me. The attitude just makes me want to close myself and be aloof and rude at the same time. SIGH....I hope that I don't ever have to resort to that. But if i keep getting burned then I just might have to.

Current Thoughts

I woke up this morning quite disturbed. I dreamt about the mice that L. showed me yesterday and the cancerous lung samples that she collected. I've seen my fair share of numerous cancerous organs and samples, but for some odd reason, the lungs seems to be the only organ to affect me in this way. The little cysts that perforated and that were scattered across the smooth surface somehow reminded me of angry little blisters and just won't go away--and to think that my grandpa died of lung cancer just adds to that image a little bit more. ERGH!

Anyways, on a happier note--I finally found a way to start running again! I haven't been running in a while and was getting bitter because of my late evening classing along side with work wasn't allowing me to do my usual afternoon runs. After much agonizing and internal debate on my part I finally worked up the courage to ask L. for some time off and study time. I'm here sitting on a post run high and enjoying my day off today. Goodness I did not know how much I needed this little down time to myself and suffice to say...I'm enjoying it immensely. Although I am not quite sure how I feel about running in the morning yet--granted it was only my first run--but it feels different than running in the evening. Hopefully I will be inspired enough to be able to keep this up.

Madness

I think last week's stress and over working myself is finally catching up to me. I feel like I have been constantly running and has yet to have a chance to stop and take a break after multiple mile runs. Studying and pulling all nighters for finals, and then a continuous week of mcat classes and work right after my lacks of bouts of sleep definitely does not help in the take care of your body department.

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful to be where I am currently in life right now, but I'm just so damn tired to even enjoy the small accomplishments that I have achieved for myself. Weeks and weeks pushing myself to stay strong and be okay is finally taking a toll on me. Nearing complete burn out.

I think I need a couple days of rest, but I did not give myself any of this, and at the same time will not be able to. Sigh. I definitely need to take my life by the horns, and just tough these two months out. And hopefully by the end of August I would be able taste the sweet victory and satisfaction of achieving something that I will be able to call completely my own.

For now, I think I need to talk to L. and hopefully figure out a good schedule that would work for the both of us. One that would allow me to study enough hours, get work done, earn a little bit of money, and study some more. Well rather than mulling over this, I think I should probably go to bed and hope that morning will bring me a better perspective.