Reflections

"Moving on is not about never looking back. It is taking a glance at yesterday and noticing how much you've grown since then." --Anon.

I think the above quote really put what I have been feeling in the past couple of days in a nice little sentence. Though if it were up to me, I would insert a couple colorful expletives to make it more realistic and not seem as if I live in such bubble in which the sun shines every day and unicorns and puppies run free.

The year 2008 has been a year full of struggle and growth. The struggle to get to know my self again, and allowing the growth towards the person who I have always wanted to be. I was glad I agreed to the decision that was made this time last year--albeit a bitter and hurtful one--it made me, me again. I fought through this year with tears and pain, and I pulled through because of my determination and help of family and friends (new and old).

Small highlights in no particular order: better grades, a couple dates (rejected and got rejected), ocean kayaking, a new job, discovered new things about myself, welcome new friends and re-discovered old ones, started running...and a couple more that I'm sure will come to me eventually. :P

So family and friends, a very sincere thanks, I could not have done it without you guys. Here is to a brighter new year and to more maturity sans going through tears and pain (okay...fine...a little less would be nice for a change).

Goodbye 2008, and Hello 2009.

Letter to H.

Dear H,

I refuse to contact you, so don't try contacting me if all of sudden it strikes your fancy (I highly doubt it though). This will be the first and last time I directly address to you here, so here it goes. H., I never noticed how much of myself I lost during the seven years we were together, and how much it was becoming a toll to my(our respective) sanity back then. Now, though I am admitting that breaking up was the best thing that happened to us, it does not mean that I forgave you for all the shit you put me through. I hope that someday karma will bite you in your ass and that what I have been telling you for the past couple of years will finally go through that thick skull of yours. But at the same time, I wish you well. I hope that you will never put another girl in the position that you placed me in and that she will never have to suffer what I had to. I can confidently say that we will never be friends again, but I hope that one day in the far future, when we meet again in this small world of medicine and research that we will both be happy with our then significant others and chat cordially for the short (very short) duration. Till then, take care of yourself.

-A

Just another day

It is amazing how a couple measures of notes can do to a person. It is a happy day indeed. :)

3 more days... eep!

Happy Holidays!

A nice read from Dr. Rob reminding us what Christmas should really be about. :)

And starting today....7 day count down until I cut my hair. I'm giddy, excited and nervous all at once.

Love Story

"I Love You 'till The End" --The Pogues

I just want to see you
When you are all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why don't you just take me
Where Ive never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
I'm lost for words don't tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wonder how many people are able to experience this. I, for example, someday hope that I have the guts and courage to love, live and believe once again.

Final stretch

At the beginning of the year, I longed for the end of the year. During that time, I didn't feel like I had any close friends, confidants, or just a social circle in general--in other words, I felt like a loner. But now, one month till the end of the year, my life has been enriched in so many ways that I can not even begin to count. A support circle of friends and co workers that I never thought possible, a wonderful job that will hopefully lead to more wonderful things in an economy that isn't doing too well, a sister that I can tell ANYTHING to, a brother that I can torture to my fancy, and parents that are supportive in my decisions--not to mention the cute CHB that works next door. Words such as "thankful," "grateful," can not even begin to measure my gratitude and the satiation that I feel.

Thanks. I hope this feeling will continue to last for a while

A Thousand Kisses Deep

I just couldn't resist sharing this gem that I just found tonight. Oh my freaking gawd, if a guy every read this poem or sang this to me I would totally marry him on the spot. *sigh* So romantic.

Fearless

So after working a ten hour day at work today I am completely pooped. It is very strange how when one is tired, one can only think of all things strange. So today, the topic on mind is currently how all of a sudden I can only imagine conversations between boy M and I, in which he and I talk about not wanting our hearts broken again and how that we hope that we won't break each others heart. There were no promises on either side, but the fear of getting hurt was slowly seared into my brain. Quite odd. Either I am way too tired to even think straight anymore, or it is simply the fact that M and I did connect on a weird mental level. Who knows, I don't know what to think, or am I even suppose to think at all? Strange..ain't it? Especially when I've only known M for 2 freaking days. HAHHAHAHAHAHAH yea I'm not only dillusional, but also insane.

It is getting late and I have to wake up at 5, 6 am and make it to work before 7am for there are a series of experiments that we are needing to run tomorrow. I'm exhausted but fulfilled mentally I think. I'm doing something that makes me feel useful and good about myself--as if I am contributing something. OH! and they gave me my own desk yesterday! MY OWN DESK! I have a cubbie! yay! I'm excited and I feel so important sitting there. ;P And yes, I am rambling.

On another note, I haven't been talking to a close friend in a while, I don't know what she is up to these days and I feel like she is avoiding me; but like Ang. said I don't want to "place my hot face on her cold ass". Sighness. But I guess even though I am not doing well socially...academically and work wise I am going somewhere. :)

I watched Bones tonight, and almost wanted to kiss Booth on the spot....him and Bones are just too cute. I guess roomie is right...men are much better tall, dark, and handsome.

Oh and I'm listening to Taylor Swift's "Fearless" I am such a sucker for romantic ballads. So innocent, so naive yet oh so good and heart wrentching.

Okay...I think I need to go to bed now. G'night

Frustration

I know I shouldn't be complaining right now, however the weather here lately have been crazy ass dry and my nose is totally getting the shitty end of the deal in regards to functioning. The warmth and the sun I love, but the dryness......oh the dryness...why? why? WHY? is all I can ask.

I'm cranky and had a really weird day at work where I alternated between freeze cold and inhumanly hot and dry environments. NO BUENO.

RIP Michael Crichton

To the man who brought laughter and taught me lessons and opened my world through his words, rest in peace, and know that you are now in a place where the pain of cancer can no longer touch you.

Read about it here

Hope

I can't be more proud of America tonight. And to know that I helped too to bring this result to fruition I am tickled inside.

Hope, dream, and change.

Camping in front of TV

Go Obama! Go! Go! Go!

Matt Nathanson

After experiencing the full magic and perks of a live concert since June, I have to say I am utterly addicted. Last night, sis and I went to Matt Nathanson's concert at the House of Blues. Oh, what an experience! I think I definitely have a small crush on Matt now if I didn't before.

Too cute, and too awesome. Recommended tracks: Laid, Come on get higher, Still, All we are, and Wedding dress. A night full of angst, sarcasm, comedic relief, and tons and tons of laughter--what more can a girl ask for?

Life

It is interesting how the thoughts of mine are constantly and always triggered by the events surrounding me. Currently in my life, I am bombarded by the news of relatives' and family friend relative's deaths. I guess I am at the age, where the older generation that I have interacted with, have finished their time on earth and are/were ready to move on. I wish I was more apathetic towards these situations, however each incident just provokes more thoughts on life and death...and how people really are....one minute living and breathing, and the next cold and every aspect of their personality gone. And yet the living remain, continue chugging on with the rest of their life, propelling forward the infinite cycle (or should I say recycle?) of life.

This thing called life is such a delicate and interesting topic in which probably would never have a conclusion. For example, if I were honest with myself, I would definitely admit that growing up, being more responsible, and falling in love again is so truly painful and so scary that I don't think I would want to do any of it voluntarily. But yet, like two sides of a coin, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the highs, the freedom, and the feeling of being adored and loved again if I choose to not experience the pain. Why is it that in life, there are so many uncertainties, and it seems that through gains we also suffer losses. Why is it that there are so many detail aspects of life in which we cannot control and keep it positive? Is it truly because without the bad, we would not be able to appreciate the good?

Hmmmm maybe I will just enjoy it for what it is and leave these thoughts for another day, another time.

If it is broken, don't fix it

This post by Dr. Rob is quite inspiring.

How often do we attempt to fix things in which cannot be fixed and in result dig out selves into a hole so deep that we can no longer climb out of ourselves? Sometimes we might just need to stop our selves midst digging and try to remember why we were desperately digging in the first place. I just hope that next time I start to dig again, I'll remember this and be able to step back and reevaluate my notion of digging.

Pumpkin Spice Bread

Coming from an Asian family, one would definitely know that baking anything is usually not on the list of bonding activities. I was introduced to the art of baking the at beginning of my third year of college. Though I have yet to try my hand at baking from scratch alone (I've had done it with help before) I love the therapeutic feel of mixing all the key ingredients, working out the dough and inhaling the hints of the possibilities of what is to come of the final product. What I love even more is when the dough is beginning to rise within the oven and the heavenly aroma begins to permeate the apartment, allowing me to bask in all its warmth and glory. *content sigh*

How can one not love baking? Some how it is just able to make everything almost all right.

Memories, wishes and to look foward in life.

:)

Current Thoughts

My life currently still seems as if it is an extension of my previous post....expecting the unexpected. Things that I had planned out previously and are going down the bucket and things that I did not expect I would do are happening one after the other. Oh dearie.

But this time, I decided, instead of panicking, I will sit tight and see where this roller coaster ride will take me. But as any normal human being would react, sitting through a roller coaster with one's heart up shoved up against one's throat, constricted whilst fear and adrenaline coursed through one's body is definitely no way to live twenty four seven.

Though things in life are going quite in the direction of being extremely interesting lately, I am surprisingly still grateful for what I have in my life. Yes, things could be better, but at the same time i so much rather have this semi peace of mind than to feel the numbness coursing through my veins and the constant weight of the coldness that I and H. had subjected me to in the past.

Expecting the Unexpected

So after coming back from Boston, I was thinking that I would have about three weeks of vacation and then work would begin immediately afterward. But now, having 4 weeks and going of vacation I am starting to expect the unexpected.

Though I have to say, I'm not exactly complaining about the free time. I mean I still have things to do, BUT after working nonstop since January, this vacation right now is bliss. I just wish I had more information on the job that I am suppose to have. I guess I just have to patient, and whilst waiting...read the papers that my to be lab has published. *blech* as interesting as they are.

So I came back to SD yesterday afternoon from the bubble, thinking that I would simply spend my day slow and reading through some papers in the comforts of my own room. But since I'm am suppose to expect the unexpected, I am currently in downtown and sitting in my roommate's school's library....blogging and eventually hoping to get to some papers.

Life is fun.

Cowboys

I think I'm starting to have this unhealthy fascination and *coughobsessioncough* with cowboys.


*sighs dreamily* Just look at those chaps. *sighs* Now where would I ever be able to find a cowboy in a city filled with blonde surfers--and one who would be interested in an Asian girl nonetheless.

Annoyance

So after a week long vacation in New England, I am back at home in the bubble. Recently I have come to the realization that home no longer feels like home anymore. Though generally I have quite a bit of patience, my patience towards the parental unit nagging have been slowly slowly wearing thin. Seriously, aside from the fact that I will never be good enough when compared to others and the fact that I will never be thin enough, be pretty enough is so fucking discouraging it is heart breaking. It just makes me want to run back to SD and hide in my apartment--because at least there...I would have my own space with out having my parents call me every two seconds to go down stairs to attempt to sync my OWN laptop to the printing net work. GAH! To what part of 'I don't need it NOW' do they not understand? But I digress.

The event that broke my patient filled camel's back originated from the idea of wanting to remodel my bedroom--or simply my bed frame. So I have this hideous queen size headboard that is way too big for my full size mattress and since I sleep by the window, the headboard does not lay flat against the wall. After 7 years of living in my room (technically 3 1/2...since I'm usually away at school) my dad decides that the fung-shui is 'no good' so to speak and INSISTED that I get a need bed frame/headboard for my bed. He then proceeds to tell my brother and I and we both get $500 dollars to remodel our respective bedrooms and we would be visiting Ikea sometime in the near future. At this point, my brother being the spoiled prince he is, begins diligently going on line and flipping through Ikea categlogues to get an idea what he wants (only the best and the most sophisticated looking shit for him...basically). On the other hand, I was still hesitant...I mean...what is the point of remodeling my room when I barely sleep in it? I come home once every 3 to 4 weeks, and my headboard never really bothered me....so I didn't really feel like going through all that work so I told my dad that if the headboard bothers him so much, he can feel free to just take the headboard away and I will be fine sleeping in a bed that doesn't have a head board. Saves hims a couple hundred bucks and saves me alot of work. Good solution right? I wish. My dad in replies "OH, so is this how you view home now? It is just a hotel to you? You only come back to sleep and then leave. Great." and puts force this sad face on. Well he suceeded in guilt tripping me into agreeing with his plan and going with him, my mother and my brother to Ikea to buy a new bedframe. So after spending almost 2 hours looking at bedframes (that were to his fancy) we all settled on a nice blackbrown bed frame.

At this point, I was actually starting to look forward to sleeping in this new bed frame--it is antique-ish and looks pretty damn nice--and began to think that maybe all this work will be worth it in the end after all. But since we had 4 people in the car, we had to wait till later in the afternoon before we went back another trip so the bed frames would fit in the car. Fair enough. Fast forward to 45 minutes ago. My dad comes upstairs to my bedroom with a measuring tape and measures my headboard while I look at him in curiosity. He then proceeds to turn to me, smiling and the conversation ensues.

Dad:

"oh, did you know that your brother's head board actually will fit flat with your bed? I think I'm going to just take your head board and switch it with your brother's and then we don't have to buy any bed frames at all!"

Me:
stunned.."er...okay"

Dad:
"You are okay with this right? Would you prefer me giving you cash instead then?"

Me:
"er...okay well I guess if you want to do that..." pictures of clothes shopping immediately comes to mind.

Dad:
"Okay, I'll just give you $10 then."

Me:
"................." picture shatters

Dad goes down stairs to fetch my brother's headboard and comes back up to fit it to my bed

Dad:
"So your brother insists on getting a bed frame because he does not want a head board with a scratch on it. I am going to go to Ikea later on in the evening with him."

Me:
"uh...."

Dad turns around and goes down stairs

Now, does anyone see wtf is wrong here? ANNOYED

Am I in the wrong to be annoyed here at the clear fucking sheer audacity of my brother to demand my parent to bid his tidings and my parent's lack of resistance and ability to say no to him? I am pretty sure that if I told my parents this, they would immediately tell me that I would be able to get the bed frame that we agreed upon earlier today...but I don't want to. Because 1) I have my own fucking pride. 2) Their actions are as is, and if they did not care enough to think it through the first time, then second time will just make me sound whiny like my brother. 3) I never wanted this in the first place. So all that is left is my hurt feelings and bitterness towards my brother in the ability to get whatever he wishes from my parents.

It is a wonder why I am not more fucked up in side my brain than I really am from all the nagging, demeaning comments, and the never good enough speeches.

R.I.P. Randy Pausch

I was going to post about how much fun I had today and yesterday. But right before I posted I discovered the news of the death of Dr. Randy Pausch. This was the man whose lectures inspired me to look at life in a whole new light and encouraged me indirectly when I was feeling down.



Randy, though I never had the honor of meeting you in person in this life, maybe in the next. Thank you for the knowledge that you have imparted before you left. My prayers are with your surviving family, may you rest in peace.

Stagnant waters

I had a very mixed feeling weekend. I went home to try to get my wisdom teeth pulled, however was informed by the dentist that I have to go to an oral surgeon instead. Hung out with 2 sets of friends from high school with both sets being very insensitive, one set said "I think you are fat" (well not exactly in those words, but in very 'Asian I imply just meaning' words), and the other set saying that they doubt my dedication on the road of premed because I am moving my MCAT date to next January instead of cramming it and taking it as planned in September failing to try to understand why when I was explaining my reasons to them.

The only good news is the fact that my family is very supportive in my decision and just because of that made me feel that it is okay and that I will be able to make it through work, class, and my current life. As for the good thing that I mentioned a couple of posts before, now I'm not quite sure if it was a good thing or not. It was a job offer at a very nice lab composed of very nice people, however the situations that led to the job offer was so surreal and fast paced now looking back, I am not quite sure it even happened! I was suppose to page my future boss today, but never "paged" anyone before, I did not know what to do at all. I called the number she gave me, and was literally stuck at the part listening to the machine repeat "please enter your code". What code? Yea, I'm a genius--now it has evolved into e-mail tag game...ahhhhh it sucks!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and things about work are will work out. And I look forward to seeing Mama Mia in theater's this weekend <3


Currently Listening to:
"Mama Mia"

On Hold

Facebook is a catalyst for depression if one already has the slight tendency of being depressed and stressed. Going through facebook tonight I realized that my life is currently on hold in comparison to my friends from high school. My friends are moving on to graduate school, moving on to work, and some are already getting married and planning on starting a family.

Me, on the other hand am studying for the MCATs right now and along side of that taking a class. That gives me absolutely no amount of time to rest to have fun with friends nor working out to feel good about myself. And when I am stressed, I begin to have a lot of morbid thoughts. Such as how my ex is living his life and is so much happier without me (possibly getting into Med school and constantly hanging out with two girls....basically living it), and how my last date was such a miserable person and that how he would make cruel comments about me. I don't understand why I base my self value at the mercy of others--especially those who are not important in my life anymore. Maybe this self abusing tendency is one that tends to have when one is down. Maybe this is what I have to learn to deal with before I even start thinking about other relationships.

But before I do any of that...I have to finish rememorizing the 20 amino acids.

New Soul

This song truly depicts everything that I feel in my currently life right now. So much to worry about and so many things to remember. But all in all, I'm okay even though I am dead tired. Hopefully my schedule will get better and I will start remembering to do all the duties that are required of me.

I do have to say...all this making up for the past four years that I had wasted on H. surely suck balls. I rest in the feeling knowing that everything step, every achievement I make is solely and completely in my credit (and vice versa..but stay positive right?)

Something really nice happened to me today, but I won't reveal it just yet until I have it in paper documents and am officially part of it. :D I wish I could be more proud of myself if I wasn't so damn tired--and maybe celebrate a little.


Currently Listening to:
"New Soul"
-Yael Naim

Perfect Evening

At the risk of jinxing this perfect evening, I will announce to the world that I finally have a moment of rest and peace. Though my moving is not completely done, I am glad to say that I finished most of the move (with the assistance of the parental units) and now I am comfortably sitting at my NEW desk (former dinning table) in my NEW room contemplating how life is treating me recently.

For dinner, I had guava juice with 1 slice of CPK pizza with a bit of chicken and was able to sit down to watch TV--this my friends, was simply heaven. To be able to eat at a time that is regular, to not have to think on a schedule term and what other duties I have to do afterwards was awesome.

It is quite a weird feeling. I have been constantly stressed to the limit recently and yet at this moment of peace and relaxation, I can only feel how grateful I am to be here and be able to do the things I am doing. My battle uphill is far from over...in fact it has only started. But for now, I will be grateful for this rest and make the best of it for soon I, like Sisyphus will have to face reality again and continue our job.

I guess faced with the daily stress that I have, it is really the simple pleasures that make my day.

Staying afloat

You know that feeling when one treads waters and you are just so tired that you want to stop but at the same time you know that if you stop you will start sinking. So for a split second, you paddle harder and take a bigger breath only to realize that you run out of energy and start to sink below.

This stressful feeling that I get from my work and current life (read: mcat prep) now is somehow slightly worse than finals, and somehow there is more at stake....funny enough.


Currently Listening to:
"If I Ever Leave this World Alive"
-Flagging Molly

Season of Moving

It seems like a lot of people are moving these days, and the fact that I soon too will be joining this moving activity next week. Hmmm lovely. With the shit load of work I have to do, I definitely don't want to do it...but it has to be done. *sigh*

I think over the course of these past two weeks, I have made a decision, but I'm not really to tell any/ everyone yet....or at least there is someone who deserves to know first. Wish me luck.

A taste of Pre-med

I like the MCAT prep class that I'm taking right now...it is intense but fun at the same time when I get questions right. But there is one thing that bothers me in that class--the people that compose of the class. These people are the most rude, conceited and head up in their own asses people I have ever met. No one says "thank you" when something is passed to them, NO one smiles and almost EVERY time during the breaks, they are fighting for the attention of the instructor and then yapping away at some dumb questions that the instructor already addressed to the class 10 minutes before break. And don't even mention during the time when we go over the practice passages that we work on during class...."oh! oh! why is it that answer? didn't you just say this? didn't you just say that?" MY GAWD. Kill me now.

I try to be nice and polite in the class, but am always suprised and hurt by the responses the people by me give me. The attitude just makes me want to close myself and be aloof and rude at the same time. SIGH....I hope that I don't ever have to resort to that. But if i keep getting burned then I just might have to.

Current Thoughts

I woke up this morning quite disturbed. I dreamt about the mice that L. showed me yesterday and the cancerous lung samples that she collected. I've seen my fair share of numerous cancerous organs and samples, but for some odd reason, the lungs seems to be the only organ to affect me in this way. The little cysts that perforated and that were scattered across the smooth surface somehow reminded me of angry little blisters and just won't go away--and to think that my grandpa died of lung cancer just adds to that image a little bit more. ERGH!

Anyways, on a happier note--I finally found a way to start running again! I haven't been running in a while and was getting bitter because of my late evening classing along side with work wasn't allowing me to do my usual afternoon runs. After much agonizing and internal debate on my part I finally worked up the courage to ask L. for some time off and study time. I'm here sitting on a post run high and enjoying my day off today. Goodness I did not know how much I needed this little down time to myself and suffice to say...I'm enjoying it immensely. Although I am not quite sure how I feel about running in the morning yet--granted it was only my first run--but it feels different than running in the evening. Hopefully I will be inspired enough to be able to keep this up.

Madness

I think last week's stress and over working myself is finally catching up to me. I feel like I have been constantly running and has yet to have a chance to stop and take a break after multiple mile runs. Studying and pulling all nighters for finals, and then a continuous week of mcat classes and work right after my lacks of bouts of sleep definitely does not help in the take care of your body department.

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful to be where I am currently in life right now, but I'm just so damn tired to even enjoy the small accomplishments that I have achieved for myself. Weeks and weeks pushing myself to stay strong and be okay is finally taking a toll on me. Nearing complete burn out.

I think I need a couple days of rest, but I did not give myself any of this, and at the same time will not be able to. Sigh. I definitely need to take my life by the horns, and just tough these two months out. And hopefully by the end of August I would be able taste the sweet victory and satisfaction of achieving something that I will be able to call completely my own.

For now, I think I need to talk to L. and hopefully figure out a good schedule that would work for the both of us. One that would allow me to study enough hours, get work done, earn a little bit of money, and study some more. Well rather than mulling over this, I think I should probably go to bed and hope that morning will bring me a better perspective.

Class of 2008

So today is the day of commencement ceremonies for Class 2008. Strangely I don't feel much or like I have graduated. The weather outside is perfect now that is cooling down a bit. I guess one can't wish for a better day to graduate on I guess.

Congratulations to the class of 2008. May all our wishes come true and that we will accomplish what we set out for in life.

Summer Life....so far

I can't believe so far my summer has been way more busier than I have ever been during the school year. Go to work in the mornings, go to class in the afternoon and come home at 8:30pm every night. I am so exhausted by the end of the day I don't even think straight anymore.

For example, after work today I went to go buy water, and saw.. hmmm, Dasani water...OMG 12 bottles for 3 dollars? I am so getting this. So I hauled the box of water into my cart, paid and went home. When I opened the box at home to take out the water, I realized that these water bottles were 12oz size =_= Barely enough for two sips of waters. Sad thing was that when I was still at the store, I read the 12oz, and was like, oh cool, and didn't even think again about it. I'm such a genius...sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself.

On another note....I know I've said before how grateful I am to be working in the lab that currently work in...but recent events has never humbled me more in the extent that my co-workers are willing to do for me. Who can you name that has 3 post docs, 1 lab manager that specializes in resume writing, and 2 PhD grad students helping someone trim and perfect a resume? At the same time be introduced to cutting edge awesome scientists for job opportunities? They just keep filling my heart with tons and tons of warm ticklely feelings...so much to the point that I don't know how I can ever repay their kindness and generosity. The trust and affection I have from them, humbles me and scares me at the same time. I hope I have the potential and ability to live up and exceed their expectations--the last thing I want to do is to disappoint them. I still cannot believe the kind of support system I have--I am still stunned. Hopefully I will be able to make them proud and that I will never forget the kindness they have showed me. And that one day I will be able to give someone who needs help the kind of help that I have received in this past week.

Count Down

6 Hour count down till Final.

Hmmmmmmmmm......For some odd reason the "HMFG OH SHIT SHIT SHIT" light has yet to click on in my brain for this final. I should really be panicking. However I'm calm as a person can be. What is this feeling I'm feeling? Hopefully I won't be doing the clicky light thing tomorrow when I get my final.

Scrambled Eggs

1 final down. 6 lectures and 1 visual art project to go. My brain feels like a pan of scrambled eggs. Funny that.

However fried of the current state of my brain, I'm actually looking forward to this weekend: Brad Paisley's concert, M.'s BBQ graduation party, and Lunch with future roommate M2. And maybe...if I have the time and money...buy Alanis M.'s new CD and spend some time listening to it.

Currently listening to:
"Not as We" - Alanis Morrissette
"The Quest" - Bryn Christopher
"Better in Time" - Leona Lewis

Motivation

Dammit, I need some motivation for me to actually allow me to plow through 2 more chapters of oh so fun filled of Molecular biology, and 6 lectures of actual lecture notes. And then there is the dreaded 8 lectures of inherited Molecular Biology of Human Disease. Sometimes I wonder if choosing a biology degree was actually a mistake. Should of taken International communications instead. Bah! And the fun thing is that I hear it only gets worse from here on. LOVELY.

I swear, sometimes I really feel like a sadist towards myself for choosing this path to travel on.

YAY!

YAY! I have a new roommate! And so far from what I've seen, she is an awesome possum girl <3

It feels right and I hope that this is the beginning of a good relationship to come.

I love my community.

Now if the darn finals would be over soon...either that or I have more time to study. Poohie

Patience

I need to have more patience for things in life.

A couple of things to remember while waiting:

Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim
"Every relationship that doesn't work out takes you one step closer to the one that will."
"If you're going through hell, keep going."-Winston Churchill

I can do this!!!!! Go Allie! GO! GOOO!

Bubble

So I'm back in the Bubble this weekend to spend some time with the parents, since I won't be seeing them for a couple weeks after this visit. Had an awesome breakfast with Mother at Mimi's cafe--mhmmm fresh grape fruit juice is sooo good!

On our way home, right before we turned into the community, I saw the greatest thing...a big bad white truck with the license plate 'I'M SNGLE' hahahhahaha I couldn't stop laughing. It was so cute! I think the guy who was driving the truck noticed that I saw his license plate because he kept looking back and checking his rear view mirror watching me laugh...so I couldn't help it and mouthed back "me too" whilst smiling back. Hopefully I gave him something to smile about for his day.

Ah the bubble, how thee amuses me.

Growing up

People who are older than me tell me that I'm in a good position and that as long as I do my job as a student, there is nothing to fear about growing up and moving on into the adult world. However, why do I still fear growing up? These are the times when I wish there was someone there to tell me that it all will be okay and though my fears are not unfounded and that they are benign.

As the eldest child in my family, there aren't a lot of people in which I can confide in nor take advice from that truly understood my hesitations and fears. Sure I ask around for assistance, but that doesn't mean that my fears always strike me at the most convenient times and allows me to call people during those times. After all I don't want to become the clingy one that is stuck with her phone.

I guess what I really have to do is sit down, plan and and suck it up. :) Life is full of different chapters and I hope the best has yet to come.

But....I think all I really want is just a hug and someone telling me to suck it up.

Memorial Weekend

So recently I've been feeling a bit blue; when I tried to pin point the reason, I realized it was because time was constantly going by so fast that I don't know how or what to do with myself. The pressure of finding a job after graduation, the pressure of having to study and do well, and the pressure of having confidence in what I do began to slowly weigh down on me and I started to feel restless.

Thus with this memorial weekend, I decided to take two days off for myself and enjoy my weekend to the best of my abilities and see if I can place things back into perspective.


Friday began with a rainbow and later that night my friend L. and I went to Bar Pink Elephant in North Park to watch a friend of mine play live. The atmosphere was saturated with alcohol, it was easy to simply get drunk and lost in the mood without even touching any drinks. Came home around 2am and promptly went to bed. Woke up around 9am the next day and proceed to check out the International Food Fair at Balboa Park.

The park itself was jammed pack with people, but all in all it was a good day to have a food fair. In the end, An. and I shared Hungarian sandwiches, Irish Banger, Spanish lemonade and Italian orange sorbet punch. We were so full in the end we had to walk around Balboa Park aimlessly just to try to digest!

Here are the pictures that I actually got of the food before we consumed them:

Spanish Lemonade:
And the Irish Banger:
We felt like two little piggies by the end of the afternoon. :) But it was all good--we redeemed ourselves by going for an evening run a couple hours after. So I guess the caloric intake and output will even out.

I still feel scared at what will eventually come of these two weeks and after finals. But after yesterday and today...somehow all this stress seems slightly more manageable. I guess this is why people need vacations after all. I'll just have to remember to take a deep breath and work at my own pace and rhythm.

:0

A little something something that I picked up around the internet.

14
*AMUSED*

The Becoming

I haven't broken down in a while, and haven't really felt the need to break down either. I thought I would after watching this episode of Grey's, however some how I just couldn't sum up the energy to cry. This episode hits way too close to home with the two main story lines; its a good punch to the gut yet at the same time I can't cry.

I broke up with the guy that I've been 'dating' around for a couple months today right after that and I still can't make myself cry even though I desperately want to. Maybe I was just not that into him, but his way of constantly putting me down to justify his actions and switching back and forth in what he wants just flipped all my switches off. To not be considerate of what the other person is feeling is just so disrespectful; no wonder he is having a hard time finding someone. I hope he was so repulsed by me and what I was trying to tell him that he never wants to talk to me again-because I don't think I want to work up the courage to say no to him.

The only consolidation prize I have for myself is that I recognize the signs early and that I know that I don't need nor want any type of this drama stuff that goes on. However disappointed, I am thankful towards him, showing me glimpses of what a relationship can be, what exactly a French kiss is, and taking me out kayaking--things that I never got to do before.

I guess I am slowing becoming the person that I would like to be. But this process isn't easy nor a fast one. The light at end of the tunnel, the goal that I wish to reach remains distant--but I guess it means something that I can still actually see that goal. The road to medicine is such an arduous one already, I just hope I'm more ready and more sure than I am now by the time I knock on its door's.

Small Harvest

So instead of being relieved of my study duties, and random matters in life I get bombarded with soooo much stuff during my supposed 'two weeks off'.

Not all of the changes are un-welcomed though, however I do admit that if they didn't all come at me at once, these situations would be more welcomed if they came one after another, one at a time. I will have to dive into study mode again soon, but I guess I can write a couple things to get them off my chest first.

Once again, I love my friends, I don't think I would be able to go anywhere without their support. I think before, even if they were available to me, I didn't go to them for I was afraid that I would be rejected. And that I would be burdening them with my thoughts and needs. But I have now learned that friendship is a two-way street; I give and I will be able to receive. I am so thankful for what I have; and I don't know how to. So A, M, M, K, T, L, and D, thank you for listening to me rant, thank you for accepting me as I am and thank you for loving me enough to put up with me. :)

Temporary Relief

So for the next two weeks I will have temporary relief from the pressures of midterm and studying. Not much but, but less intense than before.

Currently nursing a leg cramp from soccer from Wednesday night. Who knew cramps can persist for more than one day. *shrug*

Hopefully in two weeks I will have some good news to report about life in general, and maybe the sun will come out soon. :)

Three

I have three full pages left to type for my 15 page paper due tomorrow at 4pm

I have three lectures left to study for my midterm tomorrow night at 7pm

I have been studying endlessly for the past 3 days. Barely stepped outside of my house--scratch that...my room for the past 3 days. And all I do is feel like crying right now because I'm tired, and I don't know if I will be able to finish on time and actually be able to pass the midterm with a grade that I will be happy with because I have to spend some time on my paper.

I'm so scared. I'm getting so close to the end, and my time just seems to be flying by. Will I ever be able to do what I wish to do? Do I even want to do this? Am I even capable?

Hopefully this is just the fatigue talking and I will be okay soon.

Simply Content

It is amazing the things one discovers at 3 am in the morning.

Currently accompanying me whilst I write my 15 page self reflection paper:

Current Crush's picture

+

Zelda - my baby ipod

+

=

Happy Allie <3

Cravings

It is so weird... during midterms and final times, it always seems like I have a pit-less stomach! Either that or an endless appetite.

All I do is eat eat eat eat and eat some more. Stress eating you ask? Maybe...but other times when I get stressed I don't eat at all or I don't have the appetite. How odd. And the weird thing is that I start craving all sorts of food--man its like I'm hormonal or something. Haha.

My current craving is BEER. *tears* I don't even drink that often! Aiii...the human body. A mystery indeed.

Speak to me~

Has anyone had the feeling that sometimes this horoscopes just speak to you and make you feel like they are exactly tailored to what is happening in their life? I sometimes think so? More often than not I guess I should say. I am learning so much about myself, what I need, what I want, what I don't want to tolerate and what I would like to have these days it is sometimes a little bit overwhelming. At the same time I am not suppose to forget about myself in the physical academic world. The more frustrated I get, the more I rely on my supposed cool logic to analyze and figure things out. But I somehow feel that my feelings and intuitions are being ignored and I guess thats why I feel frustrated at the fact that I don't know how to make things work. Blah! hopefully things will work out.

I guess in the end, the only thing I will be able to do is to let go and go with the flow. WAHHHH I want to go running!!! But guess what? I'm now on doctor's orders not to run for 3 days straight. Lovely, why can't I ever do things that I would like to do during the times I can't? Wah leh. >_< Hoping for Wednesday now.

Oh a side question for whoever has the time to answer this question. Does a having a rebound relationship simply mean one only wants to sleep with that person? And that there can only be a physical relationship? My friend and I got into a debate the other day about this topic. I disagreed while he was trying to convince me to agree. What do you guys think?

Ah Yes, Home

So A. and I decided to come back to the bubble in the O.C. for this weekend. After three weeks away from home, we realized.......DANG bubble is still a bubble.

Evidence of bubble:
-Constant construction of major streets; for no apparent reason either since streets in the bubble are usually quite well maintained.
-A person got pulled over, and there were 3 police cars right behind it. And later today we saw another person get pulled over by 2 police cars.
-No cars if any on the street past 10:00pm

Spoke too soon

So I spoke too soon. :( And on a perfectly good Thursday afternoon, I'm here at home working on homework because he has work.

I should have known that it was too good to be true that he wanted to spend time with me last night AND today. *le sigh* oh wellz.

Humm......Maybe if i finish early I can go to the beach and maybe work on my tan for a hour or so.

This is the way life should be

Went kayaking in this awesome weather yesterday. Totally want to go again today, but alas duty of homework calls. . Might I add that I'm also working on my tan? Muahaha, maybe this year will be the year I get rid of that weird swim suit tan I have on my back.

<3

So today was seriously a lazy hazy day for me. The temperature outside was in its mid 80s and so far I have only accomplished not even 1/2 of my chaos draft that is due tomorrow and 2 separate loads of laundry. I also had a few good talks with friends and sister. It is so easy to be overwhelmed with all the kindness and warmth of friendship. *sigh* Why haven't I realized this sooner? Well better now than never no?

oOo! And I took a nap today! I haven't taken naps in like forever! I guess I was seriously worn out from yesterday's 4 hours of kayaking and cooking. It was awesome fun and I really enjoyed my company; too bad life can't be like that all the time. But then again, it does make the opportunities that much more special.

Oh! another awesome report to report. I'm going to Brad Paisley's concert when he comes to San Diego! *giggles like a mindless school girl* I am beyond stoked and excited! I just cannot wait till it happens! Chuck Wicks, and Jewel will also be performing!

The only down-ish thing for me right now is that my sprained ankle/foot thing has yet to heal completely, and I am afraid to run on it. It is starting to make me anxious though, not being able to go running and all that. Hopefully my ankle will heal soon and I can get back on road. :I

Contemplation on date

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them and we help them in return" ~Anonymous

I found this quote while looking back and digging into some of my archives from my previous blog. I don't remember how I felt when I copied down this quote and pasted it in my post. However, now reading it...it means a whole new meaning for me. I love the fact that when I look back on my previous self and compare it to me today, I am still able to to see bits and pieces of myself--for staying the same; I think I'm glad to a certain extent.

Anyways, on this so called date person I had gone on a couple dates with stopped contacting me since our last (3rd date). He says that he thinks I'm infatuated by him, but I was too lazy to correct him...so I guess this is why he isn't calling. Maybe he is afraid that I will cling on to him like an octopus and be like one of those girls. Hum...I wonder if I give off that vibe. It is all very interesting. So I guess that is that. Whilst I would not be honest if I said I didn't care at all (it sort of bothers me that people can be so rude...so much for honesty), at the same time I don't think I felt much other than a little bit of possible attraction and flattery at the comments that he gives me....oh fine... and the kisses were nice too. But at the end of the day, he barely knows me so how would I be obsessed with a guy I hardly know and vice versa.

Again. VERY interesting. Aii, I just hope I will find out the reason; I don't need the relationship to work...but truthfully, it bothers the crap out of me of not knowing.

Contemplation in wee hours of the morning

Life's twist and turns will never turn out how one would like to. Especially in the area of love, or potential love relationships. Giving oneself out to another not knowing what the other person would do with your fragile heart is indeed a scary thing. I think I need to learn not to always place my heart on a platter and offer it out. But at the same time, shouldn't the thing that they say that one should always give it all and bet on that moment of the possibility that the other person will reciprocate be considered as another option too? I think my whole life will be in a process of constant learning and bruising of trying to find the right person and share my life with that particular right person.

Asjian

Being an Asian daughter in an Asian family for twenty two years, one would think that I would have learned by now that parental appraisal is far and rare and should not be expected in any situation.

Yesterday, I was at work, and the lab manager came up to me and offered me a prospective job after I graduate to continue to work in the lab as a full time employee. Though the offer was prospective and still in the works (it had to be approved by the big boss); but the fact that she came up to me and offered me a job just because she approved of my work--that feeling itself was big affirmation to myself and the effort that I have put forth into my work. I didn't have to ask for a job! Some one gave me one....sort of like what Dr. Michelle Au said in her blog "okay...give me job. Pay me too! That is very nice." Awesome possum to the extreme! Well I thought so until I called my mother to tell her the good news.

ME:
"mom! I got a job!"

MOM:
"What? Why would you want that? Does that mean you aren't going to med school anymore? You probably should study harder and not take that."

ME:
"er...Huh?"

MOM:
"I don't like it."

ME:
"Okay. I'll talk to you later."

click--phone line goes dead

ME:
"......>cries a little inside<......"

And later last night...we didn't talk at all. I talked to my dad, but he didn't mention anything about my job offer, I am assuming my mother hasn't told him yet. Not exactly looking forward to that conversation with him either.

Sigh. I guess for now I will just pat myself on the back, and dive back into work.

The Other Boleyn Girl

Surprisingly, this movie was pretty good. The whole movie was basically a train wreck ready to happen, however one couldn't help but secretly hope that somehow it would work out--I guess that just might be the romantic in me talking. All in all, Henry VIII was just a big ass jerk and he would of been a lot better if he kept his lower half to himself; then again...we wouldn't have Elizabeth, and he wouldn't die such a painful death...so it eventually worked out. Funny how life works out the little kinks.

awesome possum!

Finally after almost a year of taking pink photos with weird striations and black photos I will be the proud owner of a new shiny blue camera! <3

Hopefully I will have a lot more opportunities next quarter to use this little baby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life in general has been going well. I think things in general are going in a positive direction; I feel much more alive and competent when I am working or just simply actively doing something.

So...what to say about my date the other night other than the fact that he was absolutely fantastic and gentleman in anyway imagined possible. WELL other than the fact that he was freaking TALL and I was...ermmmm still very vertically challenged in my heels. But anyways, I had an awesome night, showered by compliments and a lot of deep and interesting conversation. Future dates might be in sight, however it is not to be certain; said only because I'm never the optimist--I'll believe you when I feel it is real baby. (And it doesn't help that I'm in Irvine and he is in SD >_<) Ah, spring break has never felt so long, and it is only Monday! HA!

Anyways, to prevent myself turning into a lovesick fool for something shimmering that hasn't the slightly possibility of developing...I shall busy myself with trips to the beach, going out with friends, and getting ready for classes next quarter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



oh...and lastly...I know probably no one reads this...but GO ALBERT WANG!!!! KICK ASS in Taiwan, and we wish you the best and will continue to support you from the other side of the Pacific.

flattered

I'm insanely happy/giddy/flattered by my date tonight. <3
Maybe I'll write about it slightly more tomorrow. hehe

TOO CUTE!

happy~

Mood: at the moment feeling entirely blessed

Wooooohoooo!!!! Finals are finally done...Just one more paper to write and I'm gonna go out on a date tomorrow!!! Looking forward to it...and hopefully it'll turn out alright. :D

Prediction

These are some quotes that I quoted back in 2005:

"爱情的可爱与可恨就在这里：他的心态会改变。当他愈来愈喜爱她，
觉得跟她在一起比他预期的更美好舒服、再对不过，于是希望这种日子可以长久过下去
，就算心里还抗拒着天长地久，总也希望两人的生
活可以延续得更久一些，至少久到发现彼此有难以忍受的缺点，再也
无法一起生活下去为止。"

"如今又再见面，我们应该认命，我们不能再分手下去了，那只是折
磨。与其折磨彼此，还不如折磨爱情，把它磨得面目全非，然后才
能死心，真正结束。"

"我们这段感情势必要经营得比别人困难。我们没有办法长期相聚、
互相照顾，时间与空间都是耗磨掉这份感情的不利因素。但我们一
连分手了两次都没成功，只觉得一次比一次更遗憾，并没有感觉到
任何的解脱感，事情只住更坏的方向演变而去，而没有结束。那时
我便已在想，就算分隔两地，也不表示非分手不可，也许我们应
该试着再一同走下去，直到有人决定放弃，就此打住，那么我们之
间才会有真正结束的一天。"

"爱情，是一场耗磨的过程吧？相爱了之后，等的就是谁先不再爱
谁。虽然口口声声说着天长地久，但实情就是这样，就只是任等待
不爱了的那天到来而已。"

~我的藍 by 席娟

我希望我有一天也能有那種勇氣.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost 3 years later....the result of my relationship went towards letting go, instead of taking each other's hands and continue on going.

Looking back at the good or bad.... I gave it my all. It was in the end that he let go. And I just let him let go since I was so tired of fighting to stay. It is funny how during stressful times, these are the things that I start to think about.

Hopefully after the finals I will begin to think less morbid thoughts.

Good luck to those who are currently struggling to cram all that final material into their brains!

Song of the moment

<3

Day of Realization

Today is the day of realization that I am still loved.

I have never celebrated my birthday in such a fancy fashion ever before! Though there were no pictures to show how happy I was, but those memories are some that I will treasure forever.

I am thankful for the new friends and old who were there to wish me a good day, take me out to multiple lunches throughout the couple of days, write cards of affection, and buy/make cakes and cupcakes filling my fridge.

Somehow I thought that after my last relationship, no one would ever love me (well except my family), yet my friends were so awesome that I've been feeling that I have been way too lucky, and the warmness filling my heart and chest threatens to spill over by being simply too full.

Thank you everyone. Hopefully someday, I will be able to give you guys what you guys have been giving me.

On certain issues of life

On a Saturday, as part of a project to connect frontier research science with high school children, undergrads, like me would go out to high school's and attempt to show high school kids how much fun science has the potential to be by teaching them how to do transformation with florescent genes from jelly fish.

Anyways, before we left, we were warned the whole shebang about how these high school children are all from a lower income district and who firmly believe that college education is an ivory tower in which they can only gaze upon and never be able to enter. As college undergrads, we are suppose to be the myth breakers and show them college is doable, and figuratively speaking break down the ivory tower facade whilst teaching them transformation. Talk about multi-tasking.

I had a total of four kids in my group—two boys and two girls. The boys were two years younger than the girls, slightly apprehensive and had innocence marked on their faces. Though their conversations were laced with girls, friends doing drugs and sex, it seemed like they were testing the waters and the meaning of said words on the tip of their tongues. The girls on the other hand were slightly more jaded, faces freckled with acne scars, and hair vibrantly streaked with a variety of colors. They appeared rebellious and seemed like they definitely had a problem with authority.

During the process in which I was attempting to explain transformation, the girl with pink hair streaks holding a LB plate interrupted me and said “is this smell bad for a person who is pregnant? Like…will it harm a baby?”

I was totally caught off guard, but replied mystified nonetheless: “No, the stuff you are holding is basically meat broth-like cubes that are mixed in with seaweed, so it isn’t harmful in any way.”

“Oh, okay” she said.

My partner was more candid and tactless and instantly asked “Why? Why are you asking? Are YOU pregnant?”

To which the girl replied “No, Why? YOU have a problem?”

*tension forms*

“ANYWAYS, for transformation, I will need help in carrying out this experiment, anyone have any questions?” I said while grinning a little too broadly.

The rest of the protocol continued as if nothing happened. However it was until break time and we were sitting around the desks (away from the bacteria and post hand wash of course) eating blueberry muffins that the other girl who wasn't asking any questions held a blueberry from the muffin and asked me "Will eating blueberries harm a baby?".

"No" I said with as much as a smile I could muster and silently prayed that she wouldn't ask me anymore questions. Lucky for me, she didn't and quietly finished her blueberry along with the rest of her muffin.

Now I had two theories 1) the girls were absolutely messing with my head and wanted to jerk me around or 2) One of those girls were really pregnant and was trying their best to subtly get information from me that they would have otherwise hard getting.

If it really was the first theory, then fine, they are teenagers, whatever. However if it is the second theory, then I am completely heartbroken. Why? Because I was not ready for them to ask me those questions and I had no experience in dealing with situations like this. In a sense I had failed them. Granted it was not exactly my responsibility, but somehow, just by me simply being present in those 2 hours of their life, I some how felt like I should of done something. What exactly? I don't know.

Life is completely filled with uncertainties and there is no one but ourselves to help ourselves out. I just hope I did learn something from this experience event though I don't know what, and that some where down the future, when I encounter another situation that is similar I will be able to use the tools I have acquired.

Happy Chinese New Years!

Happy Chinese New Years!

How I miss setting off firecrackers and fireworks during this time of the year. Hum...I think I just might wear some red tomorrow.

step by step

Two steps forward and one step back.

I hate how sometimes I still have times of weakness and it shows on my overall performance. gosh danggit. It feels as if I'm painfully and slowly making up my way on a huge ass sand hill, wounded at the same time.

Here is hoping that wounds will heal, and eventually stop bleeding, I will be cured soon, and I start to pick up all my slack.

Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim... oh how I hope so.

Save me from myself

I really want to go home and sleep, but I can't. I have a lab report that is due on Friday and I barely started on it. *whines* However the real reason why I can't go home is that I'm carpooling with my roommate and she doesn't leave the library until it closes at 12am. *cries*

LONG DAY! WANNA GO HOME! WANNA GO HOME!WANNA GO HOME!WANNA GO HOME!WANNA GO HOME!WANNA GO HOME!WANNA GO HOME!WANNA GO HOME!WANNA GO HOME!WANNA GO HOME!




*huff**huff*


*pries open eyelids*

*reluctantly goes back to lab report*

Grateful

Recent events have placed me in a pensive mood. I don't know where to start without being corny and all, therefore I'll just say it--I am very grateful and humbled by the people that are by my side and who like me as I am.

Not to sound mushy or anything, but I think my mentor and coworkers dote on me. Well, not the type of "oh darling, you are so cute...here have a cookie" type of doting. But the type where they joke around with me, teach me, mess with my head because they like me....and so much more...but most importantly I think they firmly think that I have the potential to reach my dreams--be a doctor.

At times I feel so unworthy to be the object of in which they "dote" and "believe" in--but in retrospect, they have to see something in me that I don't see in myself for them make such conclusion too right? Them, doting on me, liking me, making me feel part of something, warms my heart so much that sometimes brims my eyes with tears.

I just hope I won't let them nor myself down.

As Chinese New Year approaches, I think I have made some New Year resolutions. They are as follows:

1) Believe in myself and have confidence
2) Study hard and Party hard
3) Never forget lessons learned
4) Learn how to run
5) Learn how to Salsa whilst dancing with a cute boy, or dance with a cute boy afterward mastering Salsa...either one works :P
6) Pass the MCATs with a decent score
7) Save more money
8) Feel less guilt

#4 and #8 are thanks to Dr.Mama, whose blog has helped me in parts that I didn't even knew I needed help in. And if you are reading this Dr.Mama for any reason, I just would like to say, I'm happy that I'm one of your maggots, and that I'm happy for making you happy! :)

Goggles

Think these babies can only be used in a lab for your eye protection? Think again. :D

I totally used them today whilst soaking my bathroom and kitchen of cleaning detergents. My eyes thank me. :)

Now, if I can just find my lab coat, then all is complete.

*sigh* these are the times when I think I'm such a nerd.

Survivor

"You may be ready to surrender if you are in a standoff in a personal relationship or with an authority figure, but backing down is not advisable now. While it's true that compromise works best, it could take a while for the energy to equalize. In the meantime, you might believe that you are getting the short end of the deal. Hang on; patience makes more sense than rash behavior."--Daily Horoscope

I almost cried myself blind when I read this, this morning. Since H. broke up with me on New Year's Eve, I've felt broken, betrayed, and hurt. I wanted to lash out at him, punch him, yell at him....do ANYTHING to let him feel how much hurt he has done to me by simply being so selfish. But at the same time I realized, he doesn't give a shit how I feel, or else he wouldn't have left me with so many lies, and so many broken promises and leave because he felt the need to be free. I honestly felt that, in that relationship, I gave 110% of myself, such so I can be someone who is always there for him. But in the end, I also realized that by giving him 110% of myself, not only I left none for me, but at the same time resulted in his disdain towards me--in other words, no repsect from him at all. To him, I merely became an outlet when he needed it, and a nuisance when I needed him.

It still hurts too look back at what we had, and what had eventually happened. I'm not saying that it doesn't come and go. It does, and it brings me down to my knees, especially when I feel that I never hide anything, and yet he is hiding everything from me. But I refuse to stay home and be a crybaby over someone who doesn't value me worth how much I am really worth. I just need to continue to be honest with myself, have patience, and perserverance. I know that I will eventually get over him and move on with my life--maybe eventually forgive him--but for now, I will simply distract myself with my family, my friends, and academics during the times when the thought of him isn't so strong.

>insert theme song "Survivor" by Destiny's Child<

Day 21 and surviving WOOT WOOT!

Weather Insanity

I hate walking in the cold when I am clad only in two thin layers of long sleeve clothing. Absolutely hate it. The only time one will catch me out in the cold and in the dark is when I am securely clad in my enormously thick and comfortable down filled puff jacket. Why, then was I clad in said clothing one might ask. Well, when I left for class earlier this morning, the sun was high in the sky doing the sun thing, and it felt like summer. So I decided to forgo my usual entourage of winter layers and go for the two layer of long sleeve clothing. Big Mistake.

When I got out of class around 5pm I felt the first gust of chill starting to set in, panic I did. For the ten minutes it took me walking from my lecture hall to the bus stop, I literally felt like Robert Neville--increasing my pace as I went, nervously glancing in the direction of sunset, and fervently hoping that the last rays of warmth would just simply linger--in Neville's case, the UV rays. If I even dared to tempt fate, slowing my pace just in the slightest, those awfully done CGI zombies, opps, I meant the bone chilling SD cold will catch up, swallow and render me freezing (and cursing).

Needless to say, I made it home safely; I tempted fate and survived. However, I acknowledge that next time I probably will not be that lucky. Therefore I will side on the line of insanity, uh...I meant security and bring my big bad winter down-filled puff jacket to school, during the middle of the day, despite it being 75 degrees outside.

Guilty Pleasures

A few things that I have done recently have brought me a good amount of pleasure. However, occasionally when I look back and think a little about my actions, I feel slightly guilty. I am currently trying to convince myself that these acts were justified and all is well. Hehe. Lucky me indeed. *grins*

There is a fact that I have slowly come to accept and be okay with lately, and that is: I don't have to trust everyone who claims that they are my friend. I use to trust really easily, but then in result, I also get hurt really easily, and especially when such or said things include money, and the friendship doesn't necessarily turn out well, then its a double whammy. I don't really know why and where I am going with this current strain of thought, but thought it'd be nice to throw it out there--kind of like the pensive in the HP books. Hopefully after I throw this in that darn pensive, I won't have to think about it for a while.

ANYWAYS, year 2008, seems already to be living up to its potential of being a really good year. Though occasionally there are a few downs here and there and its only the 14th day, but hopefully these small setbacks will soon be negligible. This is said due to the fact that midterms haven't yet happened nor finals, so I can still poke fun about them. Anyways, back to reality and maybe next time my string of thoughts will be more coherent.

Current Thoughts

I've been feeling frustrated in lab lately--and its has only been 2 meetings. The recombinant DNA lab that I am currently taking for credit is basically doing what I usually do at work. Thinking that I can finish early and leave early I decided to take this course. However, things never go as one plans and Murphy’s Law is just waiting to happen. My TA for my lab class is one anal person; she likes for the whole class to move as a class—in other words, no getting ahead. *long long sigh* Anyways, I was semi poking fun and complaining about this to my post doc mentor, up until she points out to me that I have done such techniques way too many times, but my classmates never have done such things before, so I should cut them some slack. At the moment of said statement, I was slightly abashed but didn't think too much about it. But now, now that I've had the moment to ponder and chew about her comment, I not so sure I should apologize for being frustrated at my TA for not letting me go ahead, and not so sure that I should be annoyed at being held back.

The only reason: I worked hard to get to where I am today.

I remember back in my AP bio lab, where H. would dominate the whole lab, and leave me in the dust not bothering to explain much other than telling me to copy his lab notes, back in my first college chem lab, where everything seemed daunting and weird and not knowing what to do, and staring enviously at those people who seemed to have the whole experiment so controlled, to back in my organic chem lab where I would turn to lab mates who I never knew before and shamelessly ask stupid questions one right after the next. So why shouldn't I be able to enjoy something that I worked so hard to get to? I slaved countless hours in laboratories during my free time since freshman year repeating transformation after transformation, ligation after ligation, such so I can get such techniques and theories down pat. I would like to think that working in my spare time would mean that I would get to pass by this class easier. Instead I have to live under the fear of not getting on my TA’s bad side, and rein myself back in fear of getting too ahead.

I wonder sometimes what kind of holes I dig for myself and when will I finally find the balance where I can be at peace with my actions, and be happy of the results.