Midnight Musings

It is half an hour past midnight and despite the fact I'm dead tired from work today, all I want to do is to keep myself up and hope that perhaps, I'll have an epiphany and the thoughts that have been swimming around in my head will disappear, if not lighten its' parasitic invasion on my soul.

Dramatic? Perhaps. I blame my zodiac sign. Anyways, carrying on.

A recent (quite big and probably not internet friendly) turn of events has gotten me thinking about leaving this world of science that I've lived and breathed in for the past 11 years behind. Burnt out? Quite so.

I thought that by working in a world that I very much love would propel me forwards towards my goal to become a doctor; a title which would some how give me a sense of accomplishment and justification of all the overtime spent in work, and be used to serve others and helping them get well and navigate this complicated medical system.

But sometimes, maybe things were just not meant to be. You know, like relationships. If one wants to get really technical, this is a relationship as well, a relationship with work. Deep down, you know this relationship isn't going in the direction you wanted to, it is definitely on its' last leg, however at the same time, you just don't quite know how to end it. Or I suppose the other option of whether you have that courage to end it. After all, if things are steady at glance, why rock the boat?

My wise wise mentor told me that if I realize a situation is making me act like not me, then it is not a situation for me to be in no matter how good it sounds. I am not me these days. I feel no pride in what I'm doing with my life. I'm easily annoyed and bristle at events that barely use to bother me. I no longer feel grounded and in touch with my self.

Yea. It is time for a change.

Deep Breath.

I can do this. I can find a new beginning if I want to.

Mind over matter right?

Radio Silence

It has been a while since I last posted. Suffice to say, I've missed writing and running. To me, these two activities always go hand in hand. If I've been running, more likely than not, I will be writing posts and documenting my thoughts. People have said that running is meditative, and to me, I have come to realize it rings true--it is a time where I have to myself and able to tune out frustrations from my environment and really listen to the needs of me.

So what broke my previous so called meditative streak? Just one word: Work. Averaging 60 hour work weeks (while only being paid for 40), having multiple responsibilities to juggle on hand while having to deal with all sorts of crazy people can definitely leave one exhausted and ready to crash every evening when one returns home. Not to mention combine with the dark nights, and cold temperatures (high forties late afternoons) are not exactly the best motivation and lead in for a mental peptalk to go out for a run.

The stress from work and lack of exercise lead to eating whatever was in viewing distance and not really thinking about whether consuming said food was a good idea or not. In result, I gained 5lbs. *sigh* And they wonder why the relationship between stress and weight gain is proportional; positive slope all the way baby.

Since Monday, I've decided to pack my own lunches and started eating more healthy snacks and meals. Today, I went out for a short mile run to see if I still gots the running chops that I earned over this past year--and discovered yea, a glimpse of it is still there. Hopefully I will be able to keep this well up into the new year, after all, I have a half marathon to conquer.

Here to hope that I can finish strong this year and start a new year with more confidence than the previous.

Hope everyone is doing well in the blogsphere!

SF Ending

After a rainy day in Napa yesterday, it was was all sunny rays and smiles this morning in the city. After waking up from delightful slumber, I decide to once again try to run at the Golden Gate park.

What I thought was going to be an okay run through the park turned out to be the most awesome possum run ever! I don't know what it was, be it the sun, the wind, the sheer joy of being somewhere that isn't home, being surrounded by trees, I couldn't help but hold a giant smile when I was running through the park. I felt so much joy while running through the park I wasn't sure how to describe it. Pure unadulterated joy bubbling up from the inside while I pound the asphalt trails. I decided to run up the trail that leads up to Strawberry hill and was greeted by the sight of the Golden Gate bridge and the city that surrounds it. One word. Breathtaking.

I never really quite understood the quote "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take your breath away." Since I never really had many 'take my breath away' moments, it was always a bit hard to relate to. However today, I think I finally get it.

A date with oneself

After quite the anticipation, I'm currently on my vacation, visiting a childhood friend in SF. Since friend K. had to work an evening shift today, I was free to roam around Golden Gate park and the streets surrounding it.

Cruising around the streets of SF with K. earlier in the morning

I first attempted a light jog through the park but was quickly stunned by the simple beauty of the park and then promptly distracted by all the squirrels that were scattered along all the trails and coming up to me every other minute, with hunger in their eyes, hoping that I would toss them something edible. Like the true athlete I am, I gave up my run and went for a walk instead. I figured if I went slow enough, I'd be able to enjoy the scenery around me and get to bask briefly in the warm Nor Cal sun.

Strolling through the park, listening to quacking/chirping of birds, watching the sparkles reflecting off the surface of the lake, and just being able to walk or sit there to my hearts content was definitely quite the treat. No rush, no time limit, no body to meet. Absolutely perfect.

I realized that travelling alone forces myself to listen to those thoughts inside my head. To listen inwards, to listen to my heart, my instincts, my likes and dislikes....basically just me, myself and I.

It is nice to just have a date with oneself in a while. Not only it can be quite refreshing, but it is surprisingly meditative. I wonder why I don't do this more often?

Since I last posted

Work still is and I think will be crappy for the soon and foreseeable future. I think it is time to rethink my priorities and options that are out there.

Though today was a sucky day with a weather that is quite suitable for moping. I'm gonna give a quick update of the cool stuff that has happened since I last posted.

I ran 5.2 Miles on a long run with a friend!!!! O to the M to the G!!! Longest run yet, and I feel already my legs and hip falling apart. Oh dear. How will I survive 13.1 miles? Eh. One step at a time....right? *nervous laugh*

Anyways, on Sunday, A and I managed to go see the awesomeness that is named Matt Nathanson!

*swoons*

Now if I can just rid myself of this annoyance at my boss and try to see more of the positive-ness in life. It would be just grand.

I also discovered a band that has been around for a while, but are amazing to listen to.

I think I might feel better already.

What doesn't kill you

No more apologies, no more meekness, no more anger.

Workload has been crappy as of late, and I've haven't been holding my own ground when boss woman keeps adding to my work load without thinking what she had previously given me before. Consequently results in my lack of sleep, no running, and a very stressed out me.

But today with 7.5 hours of sleep under my belt and a shit load of work ahead of me, I will be okay.

Good luck to everyone else!

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days where I wish I was here instead of trapped in a building staining cells and wishing my work load would lessen. And no..that person isn't me in the picture.

It is funny how when I'm tired and exhausted that the first couple thoughts that pop into my mind are as follows: when can I go running? will I ever meet a person that likes me and I like them? Will I ever be able to move on from my current position? What will I do with my life?

Questions that don't have immediate answers and usually are those things that I'm suppose to let simply unfold, but like picking at a scab, I just can't help it!

And when I read entries like this at One-twenty-five I just can't help but feel slightly envious and want to do what she is doing with her life. Perhaps if I make that leap into the unknown, I will find my way too. None of this without proper planning first though! Who was that wise person that once said one has to be lost first before they are found?

Perhaps, in this moment I just want to be just that, lost.

Onwards.