Friday, January 11, 2008

Current Thoughts

I've been feeling frustrated in lab lately--and its has only been 2 meetings. The recombinant DNA lab that I am currently taking for credit is basically doing what I usually do at work. Thinking that I can finish early and leave early I decided to take this course. However, things never go as one plans and Murphy’s Law is just waiting to happen. My TA for my lab class is one anal person; she likes for the whole class to move as a class—in other words, no getting ahead. *long long sigh* Anyways, I was semi poking fun and complaining about this to my post doc mentor, up until she points out to me that I have done such techniques way too many times, but my classmates never have done such things before, so I should cut them some slack. At the moment of said statement, I was slightly abashed but didn't think too much about it. But now, now that I've had the moment to ponder and chew about her comment, I not so sure I should apologize for being frustrated at my TA for not letting me go ahead, and not so sure that I should be annoyed at being held back.

The only reason: I worked hard to get to where I am today.

I remember back in my AP bio lab, where H. would dominate the whole lab, and leave me in the dust not bothering to explain much other than telling me to copy his lab notes, back in my first college chem lab, where everything seemed daunting and weird and not knowing what to do, and staring enviously at those people who seemed to have the whole experiment so controlled, to back in my organic chem lab where I would turn to lab mates who I never knew before and shamelessly ask stupid questions one right after the next. So why shouldn't I be able to enjoy something that I worked so hard to get to? I slaved countless hours in laboratories during my free time since freshman year repeating transformation after transformation, ligation after ligation, such so I can get such techniques and theories down pat. I would like to think that working in my spare time would mean that I would get to pass by this class easier. Instead I have to live under the fear of not getting on my TA’s bad side, and rein myself back in fear of getting too ahead.

I wonder sometimes what kind of holes I dig for myself and when will I finally find the balance where I can be at peace with my actions, and be happy of the results.

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This site's main theme more so stems from "Grace Kelly" by Mika. There is absolutely no association with Grace Kelly the actress. I only wish I could have 1/2 the grace she possesses on screen. *sighs*