Adventures: Part I

Oh gosh, where would I start describing my trip so far? I can't believe time has gone so fast and quickly such that I am already half way through my trip. Wasn't it just yesterday that we left San Diego tired and weary of the long trip ahead? And now here I am in Sao Paolo and already feel like a total honary Paulista instead of a tourista. hehe.

I've met so many great people who treated me as their own and who were so warm and welcoming that I feel I've met more life long friends in an insanely short time. Days that past by in a blur was filled with food, conversation and attempting really hard not to pass out in the back seat of the car on route to another party at 2am in the morning. I can say with definite certainty that I am living the Sao Paolo city life.

The next 2 days will be filled with recharging and running around the neighborhood trying to amass as many random goods as possible to stuff in my lugguage and then it is off to City of God for and intense 4 days of partying and celebration of the New Year. Apparently that is when I will be introduced the REAL Brazillian culture and men. At this point of time, I will do what I usually do--sit back and enjoy what is to come.

Die Suche geht weiter

My vacation is pending; something that I have looked forward to all year long and yet at the brink of being able to let go for three weeks I am hesitant. It is like studying hard for finals week, not being able to sleep, not being able to do anything normal, and then WHAM all of sudden, you have way too much free time on your hands.

It also doesn't help that everyone I tell that I am going on vacation exclaims "OMG YOU ARE SO FREAKING LUCKY!!!"

Come on people, luck is definitely not the fact in whether I get to go on vacation or not. I worked my ass off all year long with no days off, bunched my vacation up together with Christmas and New Years in such that I get three weeks off to the destination of my choice. And last but not least, I saved money, and I choose to use it on this vacation. SIGH. Please don't portray my vacation as something that just fell out of the sky and I'm so extremely fortunate to be able to do it. Yes, I am lucky in the sense that my job allows me to do this, my boss is okay with it and my parents are supportive; but otherwise, don't try to push the "you are so lucky" and "life is so much nicer and better to you" shit on me.

One thing I am starting to realize now is that I'm getting better and better at the don't care about crap what others think about me and I will just do as I please and will. Part of having self confidence thing, I guess. Sort of like a self soul search thing I suppose. I am rambling...... hmm I suppose I should get back to work so I can go home and pack.

Hmmmm.....

Friends

It is true that the older one gets, the harder it is to make true friends. I don't think that it is because we meet less people; it is probably in the variety that we, as older adults know what we want, need, and appreciate in a good and true friend and thus are more selective in who we introduce into our life and inner circle. My German girlfriend, if you are reading this....I have been missing you lately! I hope you are doing well. I suppose I will send an e-mail to you soon....maybe when I fly south for the winter. :)

Weekend Contemplation

During the radio silence here, so much has happened in real life that I can't even begin to comprehend and digest. A couple days ago, I had a conversation with my mother about a friend of mine, and how she though isn't in a steady relationship, she has a companion. Which sparked into a interesting glimpse on how my mother views relationships, sex and the whole package in general.

"Don't be afraid to be lonely" She says. "In your life, there will be times when the only person you see and feel are yourself; don't seek out for another person for body warmth, just enjoy your loneliness."

The strange thing about her saying this is that I already know that, and I've often told myself the same thing, however it was nice to be reminded once in a while by mother that I am on the right track.

Too much socialization, too much waiting on others to do as they promised, and too much distraction going on in my life, preventing me from taking care and paying attention to my self. And once all this outside noise vanishes, all there is that blank silence, quiet enough to drown a person in.

I haven't been lonely in a very long time--friends have been constantly bombarding me with activities, phone calls, visits to random places; this weekend was that time in which the noises surrounding me are settling into the background and I eventually breath in the silence.

The first day I was at loss at what to do with myself. Annoyance and dissatisfaction of my present self was so tangible in the air that I almost snapped at myself for being so annoying.
It also didn't help that roommate, prior leaving for home for the weekend was being naggy and wanting to cleanup the apartment because her bf was to visit soon ( A complete different monster to fight...but we'll save that for another day).

Anyways, suffice to say, I am enjoying the silence in the apartment now and that hopefully I will recover enough by myself today not to snap at my roommate. Eep, okay, it is getting late and I should head off to work and then grocery shopping.

Hope you all are having an enjoyable weekend

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Listening to:

Save Me, San Francisco
Train

I just haven't met you yet

Michael Buble does it again! Am completely smitten with this song. A good song, comfort food, and tea will do wonders to a tiring day and some slightly stressful situations from work. Can't wait for the album to come out. :D

Family Trip

So this past weekend, I accompanied my parents and a couple of their friends to Sedona, AZ for a couple days of "nature-ness" and to allow our bodies to soak up the damn awesome magnetic fields that will cleanse our bodies...etc.

Since pictures speak louder than words here we go:

Arriving at the entrance of Sedona National Park after a 6 1/2 hour drive (restroom stops not included.....this is what happens when traveling with the elderly--or people with really small bladders).

This is where we were staying for the duration of the trip. It is also the full definition of camping--Asian Style.

Hiking Trip would not be complete with out hiking sticks.

But the scenary makes up for presence of strange walking sticks.

One thing that I really realized and loved were the presence of these big fluffy clouds everywhere. Something one does not easily get in Sol Cal--absolutely adored them.

And that pretty much sums up my weekend escapade. Well sans the half hour stay at the Grand Canyon and then decision to drive all the way back to Sol Cal 8 hours straight (again not including restroom stops); but that is a story for another day.

Falling...into something...

Life has been awfully busy lately, yet greatly satisfying. Every waking moment has been filled with work, cooking new recipes, hanging out with friends, fencing, and losing my heart (and mind) when "he" smiles at me.

I think I have a small indication of falling a bit in infatuation/love/lust with this person. (I still can't decide which is which.....sad...huh?) Usually he is reserved, polite to others, but whenever our eyes meet, his smile...oh his smile has enough wattage to give the electricity plants a run for their money. Oh he always smiles at me so unexpectedly in such that it short circuits my brain and I go into daze mode for a couple seconds before I can return a smile or say hello. I bet he just thinks I'm such a big klutz and weird person for reacting the way I do. *Sigh* Like all of my other past crushes...they never seem to work out and that I never seem to be the type of person that they are looking for. But I am determine to ride this crush out with as much dignity I can muster and hope I don't fall too many times.

Seeing Red

Today was a day where everything just pushed me to the brink and I was literally seeing red in front of me. Lost the samples that took a week for me to make at work, came home and roommate was demanding of a couple things that were completely unreasonable, went to fencing and almost died of embarrassment from something I said, and then I saw burrito girl when I went out with A. to vent my heart out. Sometimes I hate smiling when I am dying inside.

It was a fucking shitastic day.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day. G'night world.

So ugly it's cute

Have you ever heard of the expression "So ugly it's cute"? I have, and I didn't really believe in it until now.

What is it? You ask. DUN DUN DUN! It is a baby owl. TOO CUTE!

I wonder if this applies to boys too? hmmm.

.....

It has been a while since I have posted, and suffice to say there has been way too many things that happened in the past couple of weeks that I don't know even how to begin with if I wanted to talk about it.

But so far, a couple good songs have been keeping my sanity inside my head, and the insanity and ridiculousness of my life at bay: " I run to you", "Then", "Wild at Heart", "Small Town USA", "You Belong With Me", "Stand", and a couple more I'm sure.

Oh, that and I recently returned to fencing thanks to a friend of mine--well more like thanking her for making the first jump back easier. The happiness that I feel despite the sore muscles and in ability to walk is surreal. The happiness is so unreal....it is as if I have just gone out on an really nice first date and coming home all giddy. Too much of good stuff is making me second guess and ask myself "How long will this last?" I definitely don't want this to end.

*sigh*

失落沙洲....

"未來我得到的還會有很多， 但失去的，只有你一個"
但唯能慶幸的是 失去, 只有一次.......

Quote

"Being happy does not mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to see life beyond the imperfections. Don’t say you’re happy because everything is all right. But be happy because while everything is complicated, you’re still doing fine." -Anon.


I like this quote. Hopefully I'll be able to feel like this soon. :)

Current Thoughts

Yesterday was definitely an experience that I would not easily forget. Through an invitation of a friend, I was clad in a grey tank, and jeans while beads of sweat were slithering down my back and leaning between two wooden planks trying to secure a wire clip that will hold a metal fence up at 9am in the morning on a horse farm. Never in my life had I thought I would ever don on worker's gloves, carry metal poles around, tear down fences, and not to mention put up new fences. I think I can understand a little bit better when people say that they feel more secure and grounded when building their own house or working on their own land. There is a sense of fulfillment and calm that comes with the manual labor--not to mention staring at the fruits of said labor.

I managed to stay awake till 10:30pm last night and then promptly passed out when I allowed myself to sleep. Now I am sitting here in front of the computer trying to remember that faint smell of green grass, trees, and the undeniable scent of horses.

Was it all a dream? Did that really happen? Yes--my whole body soreness tells me so.

Oh so shiny...

After two grueling weeks of work, pesky work relationships, and co-workers pulling me in every possible direction I was ready for a long long break or the opportunity to throw things at them. But luckily for them the weekend was upon us and I didn't have to talk to them for three glorious days.

HUZZAH!

During the past three days, I made gourmet food, I went to the cove and sat there people watching, I drank a Suizerra, and most of all I shopped and painted my nails. THREE DAYS OF BLISS, I tell ya. (Well, there were the usual disturbances...but nothing I can't overcome....er...or at least I'm trying...)

Anyways, I'm gonna go stare at my shiny toes and contemplate what I will be doing with my newly found time and what summer activities I will be participating. Oh so many things to do....so little time.

oh so shiny............

Summer Indulgence

Memorial day is the official announcement that summer is here. To celebrate summer, I made a berry lemonade from fresh berries and lemons. :D

Getting Intouch with The Chef Inside

Potato skins with basil, oregano, pepper and cheese.

Penne Pasta, with apple sausage + mushroom with a dash of mint

It was a night of comfort food. YUM.
I totally should cook more often

Doing my Time

I've stared at this blank canvas for a good amount of time and I have yet found the words to describe these emotional glass shields I have started putting up around me.

Life currently is a streamline blend of good and bad and chalk full of uncertainties and new discoveries of one self. Drinking soda whilst watching a friend attempt to light a cigarette at 3am in the morning by the beach, hanging out with strangers, not knowing my summer plans, shift of power within the work space, working my tail off...etc etc all make up for an very adventurous and not boring life.

I'm starting to realize that I have a wild side, a careless side, a side that doesn't give a fuck about consequences and is willing to do whatever I please. This self liberation is quite refreshing and surprisingly gives myself a whole new perspective of self confidence. So, yes, whilst life is crazy, I still like myself and what I am doing. If only I can find out about that darn conference soon, and whip out the motivation to study hard.

Adrenaline

I am currently pumped with adrenaline. Today will be a long day; starting with work, then class and then eventually an electric concert laced with booze and dizzying lights. I don't anticipate climbing into bed until midnight or well past midnight--sigh, on a Tuesday night nonetheless. As much as I would rather stay home in my comfy pj's and read, I possibly could not since my friend bought the ticket as my belated birthday gift.

Recently I have often wondered who I am becoming and how drastic my lifestyle has changed compared to my lifestyle pre-breakup. I'm more busy with work, I go out with friends and actually do more activities, I have people in my life that I know actually care about me and whom can tolerate my incessant complaints on various topics--verses before it was only 2 people, Sis and H.. I just realized I really look at the world now in terms as life by myself now, and life with H. before. Oh, how much better the view is now; then again, hindsight is always 20/20.

It is funny how once you think you are about to become invincible, life has a way of smacking you in the head and forcing you to reevaluate your views and things that you once thought was absolute. So though I'm glad that I am independent, and cherish every step, it doesn't make the bad things easier to bear. But I guess, like all things in life--all will pass, and somehow somewhere there will be a solution.

I'm rambling. Oh wellz.

Things I learned today

Things I learned today:

1) Never trust Brazilian guys; they are nice to look at, but not nice actually know and touch.

2) Dancing can really really make one's feet hurt (sans heels).

3) Egg drop soup at 12am in Hillcrest really makes a world's difference to a starving stomach.

4) Sometimes it only takes a little bit of courage and then one finds oneself a new friend.

5) Going out partying the night before Day lights savings is not such a great idea when one had to wake up early the next morning.

Mothers

Whilst talking to my mom tonight, she mentioned something that she HAD to show me because this picture she saw in a chain mail her friend sent her reminded her of me when I was younger.

Curious, I gave her my e-mail and waited for the e-mail to appear.

I was speechless when I opened it; all I could hear on the other end of the phone was my mother saying "Don't you think it looks EXACTLY like you? Doing exactly what you would do during meals???? huh??? huh???"

This was the picture:

I was almost indignant.....just almost...that's all I'm saying.

Valentines

PostSecret: A Valentine Video




I think Valentine's Day isn't the day to celebrate love; love should be celebrated every day. Instead, on Valentine's day, we should celebrate our ability to love and receive love.

I hope everyone had an awesome Valentine's day. I sure did.

The Next Best Thing....

other than talking to myself in the mirror is to probably post a blog post about conversations within my head. Puhahaha.

Anyways, and glimpse of my current thoughts and what have yous:

1) OH NOESSS!!! Work is starting to consume my social and personal time. I no talk to friends anymore, and conversations are largely (95%) confined to discussing certain protocols and mechanism behind pathways. Even in the evenings when I'm technically "online" to chit chat, I end up forgetting about conversations because I get sidetracked and start reading papers (I wasn't even this studious in school..dunno wtf is going on with me).... i.e. Sooooo sorry Pugster! I will call you sometime....I swear! Well....if you still want to hang out or have time I guess. Oh, and J, I will eventually go to your Japanese archery studio with you and drink tea.....I Promise.

2) Dance. Freaking DANCE gives me a sore back, sore arms, sore legs....sore everything--effing jumps and twists thingys. In some ways, I wish dance was a little bit like science and fencing--more anaylitical and limited to one side of the body only. This way, by just thinking, and relying on one side of the body one will do wonderfuly---WHY does it have to be feelings and both sides of the body? AHHHHH, damn body coordination.

3) Nobody should ever wield a weapon in anger. NEVER. Grr...I hate it when I hear sad stories.

4) The mom of the octupulets is a nut case (food stamps don't equal welfare???? WTF); she should be mentally evaluated, and the doctor who did the IVF should lose his license. Poor kids.

5) I want rainboots. This weather is making me regret my decision to be stingy...er I meant frugal. But I'm pretty sure, once I buy em, it'll stop raining for good. Oh the dilemma.

6) .....I need to dry my hair and go to bed.....

7) G'night!

8) Oh....and I saw a really CUTE fencer today with his gf ( I assumed). Dude....how come I never got to meet any when I fenced? He offered to give me a dollar for the parking permit in the parking lot. So nice.

9) Okay....really g'night now. Ja neh!

Social obligations

I have to preface this post, by stating that I love my friend--he is the kindest, and most gentle soul I have ever met and have the privilage to know since middle school. If this boy was ever in need of anything, I would do it in a heart beat. That said, there is one thing that would take tons and tons of convincing and bribing on his part for me to do again--eating dinner with his parents.

Last night I was at his place having him fix Hitomi for me, in which took hours...(omg, I will never want to reformat my laptop EVER again), and his parents INSISTED that I stay for dinner, being a good, polite girl that I am, I stayed even though my house is like 5 minutes away. Dinner, the food was lovely, until we got to the lets have awkward dinner conversations part. An excerpt:

Friend's Mom:
"So have any of your classmates gotten married yet?"

Friend and I:
"......." (look at each other)

Friend's Mom:
"Well?"

Me:
"I think so, I've heard about one or two, but I was never close to them"

Friend:
"Oh yea, X already has a kid now I think..."

Me:
"Yea, wow, that is crazy" (wanting to kick him under the table to change topic, but no luck since the dinner table was glass)

Friend's Mom:
"OMGoodness, you guys are so grown up now...." (looks at my friend and I with a VERY big smile)

Me:
(Forced, polite grin whilst dying inside)

And the rest of the dinner was pretty much variations on such conversations, which I think take on the hint not so subtly "are you guys together?"

I think I no longer feel guilty about having said friend spend 5 hours working Hitomi. If I ever do, I definitely need a reminder.

*GFriend, if you ever read this, I still love you! Just that your parents are a little intense....or a little bit too well intentioned...thats all!

Sister love

When I hang out with sister, usually I get the last word of our so called "bickering arguments"...but today.....

Me:
"You so bad your momma don't wantcha no more"

Sister:
"Yea, so she gave me to you."

Me:
"...." (dammit)

Life in the midst of chaos

"Our duty is to understand people out, but has no right to ask to be understood. We’re healer, we’re no god, we only have to do what we can do and we must do. Not what others want us to do."-Dextro

Though I am no doctor (in which this sentence was referring to), I think scientists also fall under this category in a sense. We only can ask of ourselves to be better, to be more compassionate, and to be more sympathetic in our line of work, but we can never ask others to do the same. To the people that don't understand, or don't have the capacity to understand--we have no right to ask them to understand...its either they do or don't. I made a mistake last night. I lashed out in anger (well online only...and they wouldn't know anyways) in response to some one who I thought would understand, and instead of acceptance, I was burned. The verdict of another mutual friend,was that I was being sensitive, and she was well being ...her. So plain and simple....but somehow the diagnosis is slightly hard to swallow. As for the treatment, well the treatment will be simply to do nothing.

I have been forgetting to eat lately. This use to be something strange and foreign concept to me, but now I am just simply surprised at how easy it is to do. A meal there, a meal here...it isn't the fact that I don't want to eat, I just simply don't remember to anymore. For me to eat on time would be when I am not thinking about other things, or someone asks "hey, wanna have lunch/dinner?" I guess I really am that busy as much as I don't want to admit it. Now, hopefully this will have some side benefits...*cough*weightloss*cough*...ahem...

Anyways, as for another update on chb, oye vey, I don't even know where the heck to start with him. The other day at work, he was cleaning up something squatting down in the middle of the hall, I just happened to opened door to the hall way in which his rear was pointing and got a full view of a half moon--not exactly what I wanted to see. Now that image of him is forever imprinted on my mind everytime I see him and I will never be able to take him seriously ever again. So ends my month(s) long crush on chb.

Oh speaking of work, I recently met another girl in the lab next door; she is also an SRA and we have the strangest yet interesting conversations. Me thinks this might be a cool friendship in the making. Hurrah! I love unexpectedness <3 Occasionally I think my life is going too fast for me to appreciate all the small things insides, but maybe as long as I am willing to stop once in a while, reflect and remind myself how lucky I am, maybe I will be alright.

Something else to keep in mind:

Gan bah dei oh!

Hollywood

After living in California for 10 years and living within 2 hours away from LA, I finally know what Hollywood blvd. looks like. Hurrah for Hollywood!

*hmm...me friend has a sexy leg.....

Sick and Thoughts

Though I have been sick as a dog* for the past few days, I was able to catch up with some current events and be enamored by Doctor Who amidst all the hacking coughs and inability to speak....oh yea and I rested up and stayed in bed all day whilst doing so. Not doing too bad, everything considered. So thanks to those people who called/txted/IMed get better soons to me, I was genuinely touched. :)

During this mini-vacation, I came to a realization about myself--I hate it when I am forced to take a day off against my will. The first visceral reaction from me is "WAH? The world simply cannot revolve without me! I don't want to miss out!" Self centered? Maybe, but I can't help but feel this way...or MAYBE I just like to be needed or want to be needed...eh small difference.

Anyways, probably should be going to bed and get ready for another long day tomorrow. Oh, and I shall leave with a quote for thought:

"When changes become too constant, sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us."-Anon.

*who the hell comes up with these expressions? Poor little puppies looking sick.

What does country music and adrenaline rushes have in common?

So since I can't yap my head off to anyone who is willing to listen due to my lack of voice (or deep baritone...which ever you think is more sexy), I think I will sort out my thoughts here. I have been playing Toby Keith's song "God Love Her" on endless repeat in the past 3 days for no other reason than the fact it got stuck in my head since it came on the radio way too many times. I guess in some ways this song was just simply able to resonate with the part of me that I wish I was. For most of my life, I have always been goodie two shoes, always nice to everyone and basically staying in the lines when I'm coloring. I've never been not happy, but at the same time, I have always wondered what would it be like to be mean to someone and not care about the consequences, or even stepping over the line a little.

Experience a little bit of adrenaline rush so to speak--I can sadly only remember two distinctive incidents in which I had a crazy rush. The first one was during a fencing competition, one of the qualifying matches after the first couple of rounds(?) if I remember correctly...I was on the strip, it was 3 to 10, all I could hear was the pounding of my heart, cheers from my teammates, and faint directions from my coach. I was insanely focused at the task at hand, but at the same time felt erethrally light...if that made any sense. I lost the match 4 to 15, but was damn proud that I got a couple hits in...lemme tell you..that was no beginner's match despite the fact that it was SUPPOSE to be. But DAMN if I didn't feel like I was walking on clouds for the rest of the day after that match....the adrenaline definitely kicked in and lasted for a while. The second one was when I went kayak surfing with a friend; though the adrenaline was environmentally induced, the high was pretty much the same. Now at times when I have a break from work and life, I find myself wondering and wishing for a couple more bouts of those adrenaline rushes.

I was talking to Pugster the other day and he mentioned that I should just not wait anymore and just go back to fencing. I guess this is another thing that I have to work through with myself. I wait too much for the decisions that involve a little bit of risk and play. I can't just say YES to something before plunging into the water without checking the water temperature and reviews first--my immediate and first response will always be..er...maybe not. The only thing that he failed to remember was that fencing is muy muy expensivo at my current salary, I am not quite sure I will be able to afford to if I want to do the other things I would like to do in life. Hmmm maybe it is high time to find another side job to support this potential addiction.

But anyways, my point really is that I want to be both, I want to be nice and I want to be mean. I want to be impulsive but at the same time steady and reliable. I want to be calm, collected, and organized in my profession, but sarcastic, ditzy, and spontaneous for parts of my personal life. So easy to say, but slightly harder to be.

I guess I'm not making sense anymore... or if I ever did clarify the connection between Toby Keith and adrenaline rushes. Oh well, I've always been rubbish at writing essays. Anyways, g'night y'all.

hmmm

After reading some archives back from 2007, I realized the style of writing here on my blog has changed quite a bit. Not necessarily in a way that is good or bad, but in the sense that I am more reluctant to share the intimate details of what is going on in my life or the thoughts that go through my head. Maybe it is because I don't want certain people to know certain things, or that the stuff I do at work is way too controversial to be detailed in public domain--the blog has eventually evolved into an update verses what use to be personal thoughts. Strange.

Though I did find another piece of me that forgot I had--the ability to self motivate. Pushing myself forward even though I feel tired is something that rarely happened in the past two years--definitely glad to have that back. I had a long day today, but every minute of work was totally worth my tiredness. Being tired is kind of like an alcohol buzz, except instead of becoming drunk, one just passes out cold.

hmmmmm......

2009 thus far

Had a whirlwind of day in no order:

-Ear infection
-hot doctor
-sleep
-awkward conversation
-awesome conversation
-beer, Doritos, hot water
-antibiotics
-new people
-manual
-plans to hit waves and the snow

I think 2009 is looking mighty fine already. (San ear infection woulda been nice, but not complaining!)