Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Save me from myself

I really want to go home and sleep, but I can't. I have a lab report that is due on Friday and I barely started on it. *whines* However the real reason why I can't go home is that I'm carpooling with my roommate and she doesn't leave the library until it closes at 12am. *cries*



*pries open eyelids*

*reluctantly goes back to lab report*

Monday, January 28, 2008


Recent events have placed me in a pensive mood. I don't know where to start without being corny and all, therefore I'll just say it--I am very grateful and humbled by the people that are by my side and who like me as I am.

Not to sound mushy or anything, but I think my mentor and coworkers dote on me. Well, not the type of "oh darling, you are so cute...here have a cookie" type of doting. But the type where they joke around with me, teach me, mess with my head because they like me....and so much more...but most importantly I think they firmly think that I have the potential to reach my dreams--be a doctor.

At times I feel so unworthy to be the object of in which they "dote" and "believe" in--but in retrospect, they have to see something in me that I don't see in myself for them make such conclusion too right? Them, doting on me, liking me, making me feel part of something, warms my heart so much that sometimes brims my eyes with tears.

I just hope I won't let them nor myself down.

As Chinese New Year approaches, I think I have made some New Year resolutions. They are as follows:

1) Believe in myself and have confidence
2) Study hard and Party hard
3) Never forget lessons learned
4) Learn how to run
5) Learn how to Salsa whilst dancing with a cute boy, or dance with a cute boy afterward mastering Salsa...either one works :P
6) Pass the MCATs with a decent score
7) Save more money
8) Feel less guilt

#4 and #8 are thanks to Dr.Mama, whose blog has helped me in parts that I didn't even knew I needed help in. And if you are reading this Dr.Mama for any reason, I just would like to say, I'm happy that I'm one of your maggots, and that I'm happy for making you happy! :)

Saturday, January 26, 2008


Think these babies can only be used in a lab for your eye protection? Think again. :D

I totally used them today whilst soaking my bathroom and kitchen of cleaning detergents. My eyes thank me. :)

Now, if I can just find my lab coat, then all is complete.

*sigh* these are the times when I think I'm such a nerd.

Monday, January 21, 2008


"You may be ready to surrender if you are in a standoff in a personal relationship or with an authority figure, but backing down is not advisable now. While it's true that compromise works best, it could take a while for the energy to equalize. In the meantime, you might believe that you are getting the short end of the deal. Hang on; patience makes more sense than rash behavior."--Daily Horoscope

I almost cried myself blind when I read this, this morning. Since H. broke up with me on New Year's Eve, I've felt broken, betrayed, and hurt. I wanted to lash out at him, punch him, yell at him....do ANYTHING to let him feel how much hurt he has done to me by simply being so selfish. But at the same time I realized, he doesn't give a shit how I feel, or else he wouldn't have left me with so many lies, and so many broken promises and leave because he felt the need to be free. I honestly felt that, in that relationship, I gave 110% of myself, such so I can be someone who is always there for him. But in the end, I also realized that by giving him 110% of myself, not only I left none for me, but at the same time resulted in his disdain towards me--in other words, no repsect from him at all. To him, I merely became an outlet when he needed it, and a nuisance when I needed him.

It still hurts too look back at what we had, and what had eventually happened. I'm not saying that it doesn't come and go. It does, and it brings me down to my knees, especially when I feel that I never hide anything, and yet he is hiding everything from me. But I refuse to stay home and be a crybaby over someone who doesn't value me worth how much I am really worth. I just need to continue to be honest with myself, have patience, and perserverance. I know that I will eventually get over him and move on with my life--maybe eventually forgive him--but for now, I will simply distract myself with my family, my friends, and academics during the times when the thought of him isn't so strong.

>insert theme song "Survivor" by Destiny's Child<

Day 21 and surviving WOOT WOOT!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Weather Insanity

I hate walking in the cold when I am clad only in two thin layers of long sleeve clothing. Absolutely hate it. The only time one will catch me out in the cold and in the dark is when I am securely clad in my enormously thick and comfortable down filled puff jacket. Why, then was I clad in said clothing one might ask. Well, when I left for class earlier this morning, the sun was high in the sky doing the sun thing, and it felt like summer. So I decided to forgo my usual entourage of winter layers and go for the two layer of long sleeve clothing. Big Mistake.

When I got out of class around 5pm I felt the first gust of chill starting to set in, panic I did. For the ten minutes it took me walking from my lecture hall to the bus stop, I literally felt like Robert Neville--increasing my pace as I went, nervously glancing in the direction of sunset, and fervently hoping that the last rays of warmth would just simply linger--in Neville's case, the UV rays. If I even dared to tempt fate, slowing my pace just in the slightest, those awfully done CGI zombies, opps, I meant the bone chilling SD cold will catch up, swallow and render me freezing (and cursing).

Needless to say, I made it home safely; I tempted fate and survived. However, I acknowledge that next time I probably will not be that lucky. Therefore I will side on the line of insanity, uh...I meant security and bring my big bad winter down-filled puff jacket to school, during the middle of the day, despite it being 75 degrees outside.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Guilty Pleasures

A few things that I have done recently have brought me a good amount of pleasure. However, occasionally when I look back and think a little about my actions, I feel slightly guilty. I am currently trying to convince myself that these acts were justified and all is well. Hehe. Lucky me indeed. *grins*

There is a fact that I have slowly come to accept and be okay with lately, and that is: I don't have to trust everyone who claims that they are my friend. I use to trust really easily, but then in result, I also get hurt really easily, and especially when such or said things include money, and the friendship doesn't necessarily turn out well, then its a double whammy. I don't really know why and where I am going with this current strain of thought, but thought it'd be nice to throw it out there--kind of like the pensive in the HP books. Hopefully after I throw this in that darn pensive, I won't have to think about it for a while.

ANYWAYS, year 2008, seems already to be living up to its potential of being a really good year. Though occasionally there are a few downs here and there and its only the 14th day, but hopefully these small setbacks will soon be negligible. This is said due to the fact that midterms haven't yet happened nor finals, so I can still poke fun about them. Anyways, back to reality and maybe next time my string of thoughts will be more coherent.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Current Thoughts

I've been feeling frustrated in lab lately--and its has only been 2 meetings. The recombinant DNA lab that I am currently taking for credit is basically doing what I usually do at work. Thinking that I can finish early and leave early I decided to take this course. However, things never go as one plans and Murphy’s Law is just waiting to happen. My TA for my lab class is one anal person; she likes for the whole class to move as a class—in other words, no getting ahead. *long long sigh* Anyways, I was semi poking fun and complaining about this to my post doc mentor, up until she points out to me that I have done such techniques way too many times, but my classmates never have done such things before, so I should cut them some slack. At the moment of said statement, I was slightly abashed but didn't think too much about it. But now, now that I've had the moment to ponder and chew about her comment, I not so sure I should apologize for being frustrated at my TA for not letting me go ahead, and not so sure that I should be annoyed at being held back.

The only reason: I worked hard to get to where I am today.

I remember back in my AP bio lab, where H. would dominate the whole lab, and leave me in the dust not bothering to explain much other than telling me to copy his lab notes, back in my first college chem lab, where everything seemed daunting and weird and not knowing what to do, and staring enviously at those people who seemed to have the whole experiment so controlled, to back in my organic chem lab where I would turn to lab mates who I never knew before and shamelessly ask stupid questions one right after the next. So why shouldn't I be able to enjoy something that I worked so hard to get to? I slaved countless hours in laboratories during my free time since freshman year repeating transformation after transformation, ligation after ligation, such so I can get such techniques and theories down pat. I would like to think that working in my spare time would mean that I would get to pass by this class easier. Instead I have to live under the fear of not getting on my TA’s bad side, and rein myself back in fear of getting too ahead.

I wonder sometimes what kind of holes I dig for myself and when will I finally find the balance where I can be at peace with my actions, and be happy of the results.

Sunday, January 6, 2008


I hope this rain will cleanse me of my sorrows, regrets, and sadness; in return give me a brand new year, a brand new outlook of life, and a brand new start.


This site's main theme more so stems from "Grace Kelly" by Mika. There is absolutely no association with Grace Kelly the actress. I only wish I could have 1/2 the grace she possesses on screen. *sighs*