Reflection of 2007

The year is coming to an end. This year has gone by so fast, and at the same time so painfully slow that it hurts just to think about the amount of things that have happened.

Reflecting on all the drama that went on this year....I cannot help but sigh how far and how much I've been force to grow up during these 365 days. How much perspective I've seen and gained this year. Growing pains to the extreme.

All in all, the year 2007 was an educational one for me, personally, and academically. I just hope in the new year things will begin to look up. :)

Happy New Years everyone. May all your wishes come true.

Happy Holidays

Today is Christmas Day. It seems as if the whole world was put on hold for a day--the streets were significantly emptier than usual, and parking lots empty. I felt like I was one of those survivors on 28 days later, walking amidst empty streets in the wind--all I really needed was newspapers flying.

Anyways...It wasn't exactly a joyous day in our household; parental units decided it was a day to hold grudges against each other over something minor. Placing the rest of the family in a very awkward atmosphere, and reducing my siblings and I to messengers..."tell your father this..." "whats for dinner? tell your mom to...." I'm not terribly upset, we don't exactly celebrate Christmas anyways, however it just forced us to observe our parents in a very different light than we use to.

As a teenager, I've always viewed grownups as a more mature form of human beings and therefore they wouldn't dare throw a fit, argue and god forbid act like a child. However, the older I become, the more I realize, it is not the fact that they stop acting such antics, it is just simply they know how to conceal themselves better than they use to (of course there are always the exceptions which do it ALL the time...but for the majority, this applies).

Growing up sucks, and the growing pains never stop. Sure it might leave for a while, but be sure that it will return in full force in another form at a time that one least expects it to.

hehe

Sad but true. Except in my case I know more than one.

Temporary Relief

Today is the day I finished my finals. However, somehow I don't feel the wave of relief that usually washes over me as I walk out of the classroom. Instead I feel as if it went by so fast that I haven't even caught a glimpse of anything and before it even got warm in my hands, it slipped through my fingers. Leaving me exclaiming "Wait a minute! Where did you go? Wait...what?"

Such is life. I guess. I can't start over, and I can't start fresh, but gawd dammit I will do it differently the next time I get a chance.

A conversation with H. today left me thinking a lot about our relationship and how it will eventually pan out--if it does. I have to say though it is reassuring that surprisingly we have the same feelings; it doesn't make it better nor easier to listen to those depressing thought voiced by the other person. The distance, the inability to do normal couple things, such as go out to grab coffee, be interested in the same things, have the same circle of friends....etc.

I can be preppy and happy and say that it will work out in the end and that we will be able to enjoy those things when we both reach our goals. But in reality, and honestly, I am as unsure as he is about the future. I need his comfort and him being able to be happy as much as he needs my comfort and me being happy. I wanted to reach out and hug him, and hug myself both at the same time whilst we talked.

Eh, it is getting late. I think I will pull an H. since there is no immediate answer nor solution to our problem best leave it and work with now.

Off to catch what is left of my beauty sleep.

I'm still alive

I think I'm still alive. I think.

2 down and 1 more tomorrow.

Dearie.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it is FRIDAY ALREADY!

I'm so doomed and screwed. I hope I make it out of this alive.

Type A personality

Internet descriptions say that I am a type A personality.

Really? Because with my lack of motivation and lack of performance academically, I really would beg to differ.

I thought I had a glimpse of what I want, and what I would like to do, except for the fact that every time final rolls around I am suddenly at loss again. It sucks to have that feeling of loss of self control and that feeling of when everything suddenly becomes too much, to oh so tempting-ness of just letting go would bring.

But I guess now isn't the time for lament and to feel sorry for myself. Maybe I can have a feel sorry fest for me after my finals...but for now, I'll just have to toughen up and trudge on.

Apple and Oranges

Today outside of class, Stef. and I saw the most interesting couple.

The girl was obese and short. Dressed in shirts too small and tight for her, and had accessories dangling off her left and right. She was holding hands with her boyfriend who was only slightly taller than her with a shaved head, and decked out in FOB ware. Together they spelled out fashion disaster and total awkwardness. What caught my attention wasn't their strange fashion statement or lack thereof, but it was how happy the two of them were. They were talking and laughing at some inside joke, and when they walked passed us, she tiptoed towards the guy, cups her hand around his face, and kisses his cheek after saying "I love you". The bf, was just smiling dumbly as if he never knew any other happiness in the world and held her hand and they walked towards the parking lot.

I couldn't help but chuckle at their awkwardness, but at the same time sigh wistfully and longingly at their candid display of affection towards each other. Maybe apples and oranges can go together ...after all, they are both fruits.

Current Thoughts

Life is full of curve balls; one minute you believe that it is all good and dandy, it throws something unpleasant right in your face and hits you off your track.

My grace has currently left me for the time being, I'm simply struggling to stay afloat.

I need to remember that there is good in my life, and remember what M. told me. That will help, I hope, I think. And I will ride the tide out.

eh

How was my weekend?

uh no better than the previous. Thank the upper beings that this week is only 3 days. Good? Bad? I guess I will eventually find out.

ETA: K. I think I may need a visit to the dermatologist soon. *sigh*

Busy Busy

My long weekend was busy. I wish I could of came up with a better description, however 'busy' was the only one that I thought would truly encompass all that happened--which resulted in my lack of sleep and need to take things slow today. Yet it seems like things won't slow down for me, so, yippee I get to run after them.

I went to Bodies with a resident friend of mine on Friday night. Usually I would think that it would be more of an informative event/hangout session, except other than his offer of 'if I need anything feel free to ask' I didn't learn much. And I also have to say since he is Asian, I don't know how much he really meant by that...whether it was said due to politeness or whether he really meant it. Thinking like this is sooo 'Ajian' of me.

Anyways, I did a genius move tonight. After having dinner with An. I went home to get my stuff so I can study at the Cancer Center. It was when I sat down in the conference room, laying out all my stuff that I realized I forgot my text book that I was suppose to read. GAH! The agony! Grrr so here I am sitting in the conference room thinking that maybe I really need to go home. *sigh* It has been a long day.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Food vs. Roomate

My roommate eats my food. She doesn't even ask for permission even when I am standing right in front of her, she just takes whatever is on the table and eats it. O_o

Today I took a nap after my midterm, and I set the rice to cook before I napped. I woke up and went to heat up my lunch, peered into the rice cooker...and a quarter of my rice was gone. Granted at the beginning of the year I said that I would cook for her when I have the time, but surely this doesn't count right? And doesn't one ask before they take whatever that doesn't belong to them?

*baffled* I don't want to get too much in her face for this, after all I still have to live with her for the rest of the academic school year, but other than this and occasionally leaving the bathroom like a war zone, she really is a good roommate.

SIgh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Midterms. 2 down, 1 to go.
Totally bombed the second one. though I studied a lot for it *sadness* I guess my study just wasn't enough.

I Hate Midterms

GRR!!! screw grades and med school; maybe I should just find me self a rich husband and marry myself off.

Bloated.........brain that is.

You know that feeling when you keep eating and eating until you can't eat anymore, but somehow you just can't stop feeding yourself, because you feel like you just HAVE to eat?

Thats how I currently feel about studying right now; so instead of my stomach, it is my brain that is protesting.

Someone save me from OEB syndrome.

Fatigue

Lets see how many words I can come up with that means tired for the next few days.

Today was way too much eventful than I would of liked. First of all, slept through classes and had to rush to the practicum fair with J.. In all fairness, the practicum sounds like actually something fun that I would like to do for a change, so that was pretty good. Got to lab, and found out that the traffic surrounding campus was due to a fact that someone threw a pipe bomb on the freeway that passes through under one of the campus bridges, so part of the campus was shut down. Lovely.

Stayed at work till 7ish, went home to eat, print out some hand outs and went back to lab to study in one of those conference rooms. As I pulled into to one of the parking lots, in the middle of the empty parking lot, there was a bleach-shaped bottle wrapped up in a plastic bag, just sitting in the middle of the parking lot. GAHHHHHH! There was no one around so I couldn't rely on someone else to report the thing...so I had to call campus police. Which led to, waiting and eventually talking to police and waiting with them a little bit more for the EH&S to come pick it up.

Talk about uneventful night of studying. SIGH, at least I memorized the 20 amino acids...errr I think. Now I'm so tired, but I can't sleep and the neighbors upstairs are being a pest, making noises at 1:45am in the morning. Can I strangle someone please?

Tired

This week has been insanely tiresome. Getting home from work at late hours and then having to study whilst my brain just freezes on me and I just sit there and stare.

Lovely.

I'm so screwed for my midterms next week. *cries*

Question of the day

How can people sing in a choir and not notice that they are off key and 2 measures behind the rest of the group? In other words, how can one be tone deaf but not know they are tone deaf.

Seriously, I sometimes wonder if their inner ear canal is simply constructed differently to receive and interpret a pitch differently. My goodness. One of the girls in the soprano section was a major if not main contributor to my migraine this afternoon.

8 more class sessions...eek I really hope the conductor does something about that tone deaf but don't know she is tone deaf girl.

***

Midterms are currently 1 down 2 to go. I think I passed, but now the question is that how did I do. Sigh, the questions were seriously so open ended that I spent about 15 minutes on one supposedly "short answer" question. And to think that the professor is very nit-picky about her answers; I just hope my 'answers' satisfy her.

eekkkkk 2 midterms right after each other! and erm...I haven't started studying at all...gah! Well I know what I'm doing this week. I am determined to do well this quarter and not fail like the previous quarters. Add oil! I can do this! *and wake up early tomorrow*

Go! Go! Go!

btw...I feel major neglect from H. lately. Too bad my TA from nutrition is taken...or else I would totally make it for the kill (he has such a nice ass...)

Von's

The Von's where I live employs very interesting characters. A few months ago, my sister and I were buying a few random munchies around 10 o'clock at night and the cashier started talking to us like he was drunk or either very high on something. It was kind of creepy, but annoying at the same time, since we were both tired we brushed it off, thought nothing of it until today.

Today, I went to grab some bread, and at the check out stand:

Cashier: (still talking to the person in front of me suddenly turns to me) GUESS WHAT?

Me: (unsure if he was referring to me) er...what?

Cashier: YOU'RE NEXT!

Me: er.. Thank you for telling me.

Cashier: YOU ARE WELCOME!!!!!

Me: *smiles nervously*

Cashier: (starts ringing me up) So, what do you do? You work? or you a student?

Me: Student.

Cashier: Oh! what major?

Me: biology

Cashier: Well, it is a big biology school here isn't it?

Me: Yes

Cashier: So, you are going to save the world or what?

Me: (thinking...OMG hurry up...swips card furiously) *nervous chuckle* I'll try to.

Cashier: Good, I like that attitude!

>Machines beeps<

Cashier:*mumble mumble* dinero...*mumble*???

Me: No.

Cashier: OooOOOoo So you know spanish?

Me: er... sure.

Cashier: I KNEW it! you must of studied it very well huh?

Me: ....yes (for those that don't know me...the most "fluent" I can be is saying "no comphrendo espanol"...I used a debit card for crying out loud...the next thing that cashiers ask is do you want cash back or not...it doesn't take a genius to figure that out!)

Cashier: I know 3 languages, and hoping to learn a fourth!

Me: *smiles and nods thinking "I want to goooooooo"*

Cashier: here you go!

Me: Thank you, and good luck.

Cashier: Why thank you. Take care.

Me: *runs out of the store*


Now looking back, I can't decide whether to be amused, scared or flattered that he chatted me up. Though he did give me the icky feeling that A. has been giving me in the past. Grr...I should wear my glasses more often so I look like a Fob, that way, no one dares talk to me. :P

Depression

Enough said.

School

I need school to start.

I need time to be alone and not have to deal with people. *sigh*

Annoyance

Anger and annoyance really do get people on their feet and going.

I'm currently annoyed about quite a few things. Things that culminate in mind is a bad thing therefore I guess I'll just do it in bullet form:
- Brother will not just shut the fuck up. Not only he is obsessed with designer clothing, but is selfish and looking out only for himself.
- I've been wanting to actually talk to H. in a more intimate way than "oh how was your day...and list it out for you" way. But to no avail; this format is what I keep getting.
- FUCK the assholes who set fire in So Cal, not only tons of people are out of homes, but they fucking screwed up the academic schedule...so now I get to freaking play catch up.
- I'm pmsing or dmsing whatever you call it and I want to strangle someone right now.

I can't decide the order in which I am more annoyed at. Probably all at the same time. GRRRR. Can't tell I'm frustrated yet?

On the Way Home

After getting the call from red cross that they will be fully staffed for a few days and didn't need our help, my sister and I decided to go home since school was already canceled for a week. So yesterday night we were thinking of leaving early tomorrow morning hoping there wouldn't be much traffic in the area. However that night we got information saying the the Northbound 5 was closed due to the fires in Camp Pendleton (the fires jumped the freeway).

Once we got the green light on the northbound 5 today. We immediately hopped into the car and began our drive home. When we past Camp Pendleton this is what we saw.






The sky:


Rear View Mirror:



I really really really hope this ends for all of us soon.

New Toy

My new toy for studying. I'm such a nerd for getting so excited over a white board and erasable pens. Hum...now all I need is an eraser. <3

Fire Update

It is getting really surreal. Fires sprouting everywhere and new broadcasting frenzy. Absolutely insane. I think I'm going to start praying tonight and go out and see what I can do tomorrow.

Fire

Unbelievable fire in SD county right now. I hope that that everyone is safe and this will be over soon for all of us.

Comfort

I have found my self a new comfort food. Yum.

PMS

Ever since the arrival of my period since late 5th grade, I was taught the name Premenstrual Syndrome, or more commonly referred as PMS. However I never wholly understood the concept of mood swings, being grouchy, unreasonable crying until tonight.

I was talking to H. on the phone earlier tonight, and was irritated the fact that I had an upset stomach...the kind where it feels like the whole GI tract has gone all frozen up...Anyways, somehow conversation led to accusation and accusation led to argument...sensing the conversation wasn't going anywhere I hung up. I paused for two seconds and then suddenly I burst into tears. It was not like the conversation/argument we had was worthy of tears or such sadness, it just felt like a compelling urge to cry. A few seconds past by, and I realized what I was doing. Shocked, I sat there with remnant tears slowly dripping down my face, and then suddenly I felt fine.

I think PMS has finally caught up to me.

Midterm Season

Can't believe midterms are soon creeping upon me again. Darn you stupid quarter system! I'm not ready yet! There is still reading to be read, questions to be asked and tons and tons of material to be chewed and digested. Slow down time please.

Midterms aside, I've have come to realize that my nutrition professor bothers me. Not so much her lectures, but in the sense of finality she tends to conclude things without giving her answers much thought. I've heard from different asian medical and chinese medicinal sources citing that with the gross intake of milk, sometimes (most of the times) leads to the loss of osteoperosis; since we were on the topic of lactose, I thought I might as well ask whether if it was true. Not only she said that the article I read probably didn't have their sources right, but also there is no way one can have gross intake of milk that would lead to loss of bone calcium and density. Her answer was so final, that it left no room for argument. I wonder if I should show her this article: http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/calcium.html

Now it makes me wonder...how can people just bs answers when they are in a position to teach/spread information, even though they aren't sure if they are right or not, and not care of the consequences or possible amt of misleading they may cause?

*shrug* I guess there are different types of people everywhere and in different power position these days. I wonder why this continues to amaze, baffle and digust me so.

Everything

Currently listening to "Everything" by Michael Bublé

I'm so ridiculously happy for no particular reason it is scary, but oh so much fun.

I Will Come Through

Currently listening to "I Will Come Through" by Sister Hazel.

Status: Holding on.

Thursday. School is moving waaay too fast for my liking; week 2 already and work is kicking my butt.

Since I had 2 1/2 hours to kill, I decided to go the psych. computer lab to kill some time before I had to sing. Half way there I met M., a bioengineer PhD/masters in something walking across campus. Waved him down, said hi, and got talked into going with him to meet up with some engineers at the customizing metal shop on campus. (I didn't even knew we had one! Apparently one of the guys there use to work for NASA. That will tell me to appreciate the wide variety of darn smart people we have on campus!) All I can say is OMG, M. truely lives up to the notorious reputation he has within the lab; there are some serious people skills that he has to learn whilst dealing with others. The workers at the shop were completely annoyed at him; hopefully the NASA guy understood my apologies and my embarassment in which M. was showcasing in the glace/look I gave him. But other than that, the tools and machines that the university has is absolutely brilliant and awesome. Today I got a peek on collaboration (albeit not the greatest kind), politics in work place, and biology science all in a simple matter of 40 mins. Coolness.

And just for that, I thank M. for his generousity in allowing me to tag along. Albeit his showcasing behaviour did remind me of the doctors in the OB/GYN department who somehow LOVED to show off to their patients the fact that i was an "intern" from America, and since I was shadowing them, they somehow were great and good doctors. But this is another story for another day if anyone is ever interested.

Case of Mondays

I am actually very impressed with my ability to make it through the day today. Granted that I woke up late, and was about 5 minutes late to my one and only class, I'm proud to say that I survived Monday...albeit not without some minor difficulties.

For some odd reason I've been feeling this subtle yet weird headache today, and some slight pre-period dull aches in the abdominal area. It would totally be reasonable except for the fact I just had my period a week ago. Hum...odd. I wonder if it is the stress catching up to me or the fact that I too way too many healthy vitamins before leaving the house this morning. It was really only 1 omega 3, 2 multivitamins, 2 B vitamins...so not like it was TOO much. Shrug, I patiently await the day that I fully understand what the heck my body is doing in comparison to my daily activities.

Anyways, back to my case of Monday's. Everything was going by at a snail crawling pace that was painful to endure. Work at lab wasn't so bad, if it weren't for the fact that my mentor, L. was doing VP assays and had to do work on ~20 mice. Not only it stunk up the bay for the whole afternoon, but there was poop everywhere! On the lab bench (which is easier to clean up because of the diapers placed) and not to mention, on the floor. I swear it is the mice's' last revenge, or errr whatever they do before they are sacked. Hopefully L. will see the poop and at least wipe some off the floor, or else she will definitely see me scrubbing the floor on Wednesday.

I got some news today that I am not quite sure how to respond to. Apparently H.'s mom refuses to let him stay over a night, and in return he will only be able to come down tomorrow for the day and leave for home at night. Though frustrated at his mom's constantly change of mind (yes....no...wait...maybe...wait...NO) I am grateful that H. will be coming down tomorrow, because I'm just tired, and I am really ready to just fall into his arms and rest there for a little bit. Why is being a full time student with 2 part-time jobs so stressful? Man if college is like this, I can't imagine being in Med school would be like.

Ah... oh well... another worry for another day. g'night all.

Pur-fect Sunday

Okay, so originally today H. was suppose to come down from Irvine and we get to spend the whole day together...blah blah blah...but like most of the times he said he was coming down, something came up with his family and prevented him from such. Surprisingly, I'm actually okay with him not coming down this Sunday. I'm catching up on laundry, making pudding, reading, and here typing up a new post. However, sadly to say, I don't know how I'm going to schedule my schedule when he decides to come down on Thursday; I guess he'll just have to be by himself on Friday afternoon in the library or something whilst I do work. Blah, oh well I'll just have to remember to tell him tonight.

I love this feeling where I am at ease, and no rushing to get work done, no rushing or frightened that I won't be able to meet a deadline. I feel my confidence coming back! and another YAY for Gabe, since he was kind enough to take my shift such so I didn't have to work today.

Regrouped...Sorta

So I didn't go to either of my morning classes, but I currently feel damn good for resting, making myself some pumpkin latte and a grilled cheese sandwich with some chips for lunch. Yea, I think I really needed the break. Grrr...If I only didn't burn the toast...the whole freaking apartment smells burnt now...not to mention my hair and clothes.

Now I'm contemplating whether I should go to my afternoon class at all, or simply give myself a break and not go to it until next Tuesday? Well it is music and I guess no one will really miss me. I think I shalln't miss it much either. I'm going to try going to the library tonight and see how much I'll be able to get done and get ahead of the class. Mostly Mol. Bio and structural biology that I need to read up on and catch up. However I do believe I didn't miss much from not going to class yesterday and today.

Another note in my life is that I am absolutely obsessed and hooked onto iTunes and the services that it provides. This is so freaking lovely, if I don't spend my money over there on Lush, I spend money on iTunes getting access to TV shows and music that are fantastically awesome. Well at least with music I'll be able to listen to over and over again. Until that fateful time that switch computers and such. Till then I guess.

Need to Regroup

I need to regroup. Need to get myself back together before Dylan and I begin to throw a fit. I was constantly trying to reach H. this morning, and when he picked up and told me he couldn't talk, I was near tears. Yea, I am totally stressed to the brink of a break down. I missed class today, and I am again constantly over sleeping. What is up with that? There has to be something wrong with me...either that or my alarm clock. GAH.

I feel fat, and not confident... where did my confidence go?

Ramblings

I don't know why I constantly feel so tired. I know I am definitely getting enough hours of sleep, so then I don't understand why my inner child is so tired and constantly feeling so drained. So far my days aren't too bad, classes are okay since I have been reviewing and previewing the lecture material. Hopefully my school work never gets to the point that it becomes boring.

Library walk is currently flooded with vendors, for as it is vendor's fair... however somehow this year it feels different. Different in the sense that though I want to buy something, I somehow feel ashamed to purchase anything. Kind of like the feel when one day I was realized I was too old to ride the merry-go-round and just wanted to get off as quickly as possible. I guess Dylan and I do have different and unique conversations when we are tired.

It is funny how people unconsciously gravitate towards names that have the hidden meanings that tell a lot about their character. For example, when I just looked up my name, it meant noble and kind. Though I don't proclaim to be either, many people have commented on how I have such qualities. And to think I named myself at the young age of 2! I must of had high hopes for myself at that time...and quite frankly...I'm thinking I'm at least living up to my name. At the same time, Dylan, my inner child...a name that I choose for her back when I was rediscovering the English language, means "child of the sea." Its amazing how I've always had an affinity towards the ocean, and in which, when I'm near or in the ocean that I feel peaceful and at ease. Interesting Indeed.

Confidence

I realized that with confidence, I do get a lot more attention and that I feel that life is easier in various ways. So confidence instilled and with the grace of a kitty kat... okay big kitty cat. I will rule and rock my world!

Work-a-holic-ness

I think I need more work to do; even though I have been working six days straight and have yet to have a day to myself. H. has once again reverted back to the bastard he plays so well. I wonder if he'll ever make the effort to at least make me happy and try to make me smile. It saddens me that he cares so less. Yea yea yea....I should leave him and such... I knew that once I let my heart go loose on him again.. trouble comes. I need to once again stop caring so much and once again dig deep down and find who I am again.

Confidence is the key to success, and I will try really hard to understand and play it out in my life. I NEED to become DIFFERENT and not REVERT back to the old ME. GRACE KELLY!!!! *chants over and over*

inspiration of the day

I wish at the end of my career and things that I will be doing in life I will be able to declare to those who helped me along "You have given me your shoulders to stand on to reach my dreams...I will take you and the memory of you with me for the rest of my life"--Andre Agassi. I wonder how much sweat and hard work he has had to place in to be able to utter those words at the end of his tennis playing career.
Will I be able? I should; I have 30 good years ahead of me and I guess how I utilize them will be how my life will shape out before my eyes.

First blog

I wish there was something special that I could write about to commemorate about my first blog ever. Sadly , it is not that case; I'm just sitting here in my room with some menstrual cramps and thinking whether if I should join my roommate tomorrow and her first year medical school students on a rampage downtown for a night of drinking and partying. Granted, as a pre-med student I'm utterly excited at the fact that I'll be able to join the "adults" in their pre-torture session they fondly call school...BUT on the other hand I am extremely nervous that someone will yell and point me out that I don't belong in their pack and toss me over board of the bus. And then I'll be left in downtown alone and wanting to cry...
My roommate just rectified the situation by e-mailing the sponsor and asking if I can join legit-ish. :) YAY! Hopefully that med student doctor person will be kind enough to let me in on the chaos.
I'm so happy right now, that it slightly feels unreal in the sense that I shouldn't be so happy. But I'll deal and see where it takes me. Hopefully the Buddhas will take pity on me and continue my happiness a little longer before school and reality hits, and I can live in my la la land of thinking that I'm Grace Kelly for a little while longer. :)