The Becoming

I haven't broken down in a while, and haven't really felt the need to break down either. I thought I would after watching this episode of Grey's, however some how I just couldn't sum up the energy to cry. This episode hits way too close to home with the two main story lines; its a good punch to the gut yet at the same time I can't cry.

I broke up with the guy that I've been 'dating' around for a couple months today right after that and I still can't make myself cry even though I desperately want to. Maybe I was just not that into him, but his way of constantly putting me down to justify his actions and switching back and forth in what he wants just flipped all my switches off. To not be considerate of what the other person is feeling is just so disrespectful; no wonder he is having a hard time finding someone. I hope he was so repulsed by me and what I was trying to tell him that he never wants to talk to me again-because I don't think I want to work up the courage to say no to him.

The only consolidation prize I have for myself is that I recognize the signs early and that I know that I don't need nor want any type of this drama stuff that goes on. However disappointed, I am thankful towards him, showing me glimpses of what a relationship can be, what exactly a French kiss is, and taking me out kayaking--things that I never got to do before.

I guess I am slowing becoming the person that I would like to be. But this process isn't easy nor a fast one. The light at end of the tunnel, the goal that I wish to reach remains distant--but I guess it means something that I can still actually see that goal. The road to medicine is such an arduous one already, I just hope I'm more ready and more sure than I am now by the time I knock on its door's.